Thursday, 8 June 2017

The All-New, All-Singing, All-Dancing, History of Rob Gotobed (Abridged).

An article of hardly any historical interest as dictated by Robert ‘Isosceles-Triangle’ Gotobed.

On January 21st 2004 the Rob Gotobed story began at Paddington Station, London, England, where Rob Gotobed and Ricky Gervais accidentally bumped into each other.

Rob invited Ricky to help him stand up. Ricky, merely an amateur drinker, agreed and on that very spot, a legend could have been created.

     Rob Gotobed's great-grandfather being randomly selected to be the next King of England.

Instead, Rob gained Shaggy Epstein as a manager. So unimpressed was he with Gotobed’s style of comedy that he immediately sent him to Berlin. Thinking that Berlin was just outside London, Rob accepted.

On his return ’Shaggy’ put Gotobed into the studio. His first comedy album ‘What the hell just happened?’ took 12 minutes to record. The second, ‘Why is there hair?’ took even longer.

In 2006 ‘Gotobedmania’ hit England. It seemed that Rob could do no wrong. A string of comedy hit singles followed, including ‘Shag Me Do‘ and ‘Baby, Don’t You Be Ovulating Tonight Coz I’m In The Mood For Love’, which brought unprecedented scenes of mass ovulation all over the United Kingdom.

At one point Rob had nineteen out of the top twenty jokes in England, even the Queen was a fan, by that we mean Boy George, not the one at Buckingham Palace.

                               Rob Gotobed's identical twin brother with the real Pokémon.

In 2007 the ‘Fab One’ made the all-important breakthrough in America. 10,000 screaming fans were at Kennedy Airport to greet him. Unfortunately, Gotobed arrived at La Guardia.

He was due to be a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno but as a security precaution he arrived by helicopter a day early. This enabled him to be safely in and out of the studio before the audience arrived and the show was recorded.

It was a brilliant public relations coup. The audience were shouting and screaming so hard that the millions watching at home never even noticed that ‘Gotobed’ didn’t even appear on the show. Jay Leno described it as the most exciting two minutes of his life.

But, in the fall of 2007 the ‘Fab one’ faced the biggest threat to his career. Gotobed in a widely quoted interview had apparently claimed that he was now bigger than God, and was reported to have gone on to say that God hadn’t told a good joke in years.

The story spread like wildfire in America. Many fans burnt his comedy albums, although many more burnt their fingers attempting to burn his albums. Gotobed album sales skyrocketed. People were buying his cds just to try to burn them.

But in fact it was all a ghastly mistake. Gotobed, talking to a slightly deaf journalist, had claimed only that he was funnier than President Bush.

At a press conference Rob apologised to God, Michael Moore, and the press, and so his world tour of 2008 went ahead as planned – but it would be his last.

                                Once again Rob Gotobed pleads innocence to deaf ears!

In 2009, Rob Gotobed faced an even bigger threat to his career when Will Ferrell introduced him to ‘Twinkies’.

Gotobed enjoyed the pleasant effects of its creamy fillings, despite warnings that it would lead to stronger things, and it enormously influenced his greatest comedy album, ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’.

With such standout tracks as, ‘Judy on Sky with Johnny Carson’, ‘Andy Kaufman’s Leaving Home’, ‘With a Little Help from Dan Aykroyd’, ‘Lovely Gilda Radner’, ‘Being For The Benefit of John Belushi’ and of course ‘A Day with Adam Sandler’s Wife’.

The release of this album – a millstone in comedy history, contributed greatly to an idyllic summer of bells, flowers and Twinkies. But it was not to last. Under questioning Rob refused to lie to the British Press and admitted not only eating and enjoying Twinkies, but ‘3 Musketeer Bars’ as well, especially the ones with peanut butter.

And so, while Gotobed sat seeking spiritual enlightenment from Twinkies - fate dealt him an appalling blow. For it was now he learned the shocking news of the loss of his manager Shaggy Epstein.

Tired and despondent and unable to raise any friends over the weekend, Shaggy had gone home, and, tragically - accepted a job with Wal-Mart.

But, the news was not entirely unexpected. Shaggy’s recent behaviour had been giving grounds for concern.

He had been investing heavily in South American bullfighters and NFL American Quarterbacks, and in California he had been arrested for giving the kiss of life to a rubber duck. But he had for many years held Rob Gotobed together – often forcibly. Now he was gone – it was the beginning of the end.

In amidst all this controversy Gotobed released his ‘I’ve Arrived! (And To Prove It I’m Here)’ Album, now famously known worldwide as the ‘Beige Album’.

                                  The cover for Rob Gotobed's 'Why is there hair?' album.

Ambitious in its nature, it has gone down in history as the first comedy album to contain no jokes, in fact the album consists of two sides of silence apart from a very large belch 0.02 seconds from the end of the record.

Meanwhile, Rob had hidden from the public so much that in 2009 a rumour went around that he was dead. He was supposed to have been killed in a flash fire at a waterbed factory and replaced by a wax replica of Justin Bieber from Madam Tussauds.

Several so-called ‘facts’ helped the emergence of this rumour. Firstly, on the cover of his latest album he was wearing no socks, an old Irish custom of indicating death. Secondly, Rob says ‘I am dead’ when you repeatedly play the last track on his Sgt Gota album backwards – in fact he says “E burres Gotobediano!! Which is very bad Spanish for “Have you a water buffalo?”

Thirdly, on the posters for The Gotobed World Tour of 2008, Gotobed is leaning in the exact position of a dying Yeti! (From The Gotobed Book of the Dead). And finally, if you say the title of ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’ backwards, it is supposed to sound like ‘Gotobed has been dead for ages honest.’ In fact it sounds uncannily like “Wohs thgil eikniwt bulc strad ylenol satog tnaegres”.

Gotobed was, of course, far from dead. Although not far from Scunthorpe. He had fallen into bed with a large-breasted, German Fraulein called Heidi whose father had invented the sauerkraut sausage simulator.

Gotobed then spent a year in bed as a tax dodge. Paul McCartney believes he must have received appalling financial advice.

When he finally got up to answer the telephone Apple Gotobed Corps was in a perilous financial state.

In the midst of all this Gotobed released ‘Shit Happens’ as a film, an album, and a lawsuit. The documentary showed Rob Gotobed as never before – tired, unhappy, cross, and just like the rest of the world. Gone forever was the image of the happy 'Brazilian-bushed' youngster who had set the world a-laughing.

Then, finally in December 2009 Rob accidentally sued himself, three times.

I asked Adam Sandler, ‘why do you think Rob Gotobed broke up?’
He said, “Women. Just women getting in the way. Cherchez la femme you know.” So then I asked Adam ‘Do you think he’ll ever get back together again?’ He replied, “I hope not!!”

But then in mid 2010 from the ashes via Twitter Rob Gotobed reformed and once again started from rock bottom to create the most spectacular comedy the world would never want to see.....

The End.

PS: The Rob Gotobed Archaeology Cds 1,2 & 14 featuring jokes with different punch lines, (and some even with no punch lines at all), outtakes, and the almost legendary lost comedy album, ‘Smile You’re at Shabby Road Studio’ is still available for export on the Apple Tart LP: PCS #7088.

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Thursday, 16 March 2017

An Exclusive Interview With Robert 'Isosceles Triangle' Gotobed.

I was two hours and forty three seconds late for my meeting with Rob Gotobed.

I had made arrangements with Irma Bunt, the ex-villainess from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, who is now employed as RG’s personal secretary, to meet with Rob in his elegant London apartment, but I hadn’t banked on the over zealous bodyguards that awaited me.

I experienced a measure of difficulty before I was actually allowed onto the doorstep. The officer in charge of the squad holding the crowds of young girls at bay refused to believe that I was there on business, and it was only when Irma phoned down from the penthouse to confirm that I had an appointment with Rob that I was allowed in.

After the dust and heat of the street, the front-hall was a haven of peace and tranquillity. As my eyes became accustomed to the gloom I saw some of the trappings with which a fantastically successful Comedian surrounds himself. In a corner of the vast hall was a German Panzer tank, on which generations of fans had scrawled their protestations of unfailing devotion in a bewildering variety of cheap lipsticks.

On the wall was a range of fine paintings. I recognised an early Justin Bieber, two de Paris Hilton’s and at least five efforts in crayon by Britney Spears. There was also a full-sized map of Disneyworld and several posters advertising Rob’s sensational gigs in places as far apart as the top of Shaftsbury Avenue and the bottom of Shaftsbury Avenue.

         An Exclusive picture of the only chair Rob Gotobed sits in while using the internet.

I was allowed to linger in this unattractive environmental disaster for eighteen hours - unfortunately Rob does not believe in chairs and there were none in sight - before Irma, a stunningly unattractive ex-Smersh Assassin with a Russian styled coiffure and a tartan sari of fetching ugliness, came down to tell me that I could now go down into the kitchen and fix the refrigerator.

I explained that I had been sent by The Los Angeles Times to interview Rob and to discover his feelings on the seventies craze of Cabbage Patch dolls. She laughed in a sinister way and disappeared upstairs again.

Forty two minutes later she reappeared as ugly as ever, and told me that Monsieur Gotobed would see me now. The elevator did not seem to be working, so Irma and I walked the thirty-eight floors up to Rob’s private suite.
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In between gasps I asked her what it was like to work for such a fabulous personality. Was it true, I wanted to know, that he was making a NEW comedy film based on the components of the Internal combustion Engine? Had he, I wondered, really severed his relationship with the glamorous starlet Lindsay Lohan - who reacted to Rob breaking off their passionate love affair by turning to lesbianism. Irma passed me a water melon from a bowl on the staircase but made no answer.

From time to time as we climbed I saw the shadowy and scantily dressed figures of twenty-something young girls of all hues and nationalities flitting in and, indeed, out of such rooms as the library, with its unique collection of rare illuminated medieval comedy scripts, the billiard room, with its teak-panelled sauna and massage chamber for the exhausted billiardier, the jester’s gallery, with an extensive replica of the Paris Metro system, and the private zoo, in which Rob keeps the three white panthers he takes with him whenever he tours the comedy clubs of North America.

                                            Exclusive pictures of Rob Gotobed's office..

Eventually Irma and I reached the great man’s lair and were ushered in by the two dusky Albino dwarves, who come, I believe, from Texas.

Rob was already up when I walked into the room, (a problem Rob regularly suffers from first thing in the morning) and one of the girls in the room offered me a Gotobed Sunrise. I accepted gratefully and handed her the nutritious water melon Irma had given me earlier.

Rob beckoned me over to the brushed-steel and glass bar inside the bed, motioned me on to a Victorian bucking-bronco rocking horse, and asked me to remove all clothing in case of accidents. He then clambered back into bed. A furtive giggle came from what I had hitherto supposed to be a heap of clothing on the pillows. Then having made my apologies for my tardiness, I began the interview….

Fanny Ferrari March 16th 2017

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Recording My New Comedy Album 2017

8.01 am
Driving down to Kraftwerk’s Kling Klang studio in Germany to do some recording for my new comedy album - it’s my favourite part of the world at this time of the year.

8.12 am
Just been pulled over by a German policeman. He wants to know why there are monkey paw prints on the roof of my car?  ……I genuinely have no idea!

8.13 am
Because of my frozen Botox face, my expression does not match my driver’s license photo and he wants to arrest me.

8.14 am
Thought for new tweet for Twitter: There’s nothing wrong with aging, unless you’re a cheese.

8.15 am
German Policeman tells me it is illegal to taxi around monkeys on the roofs of cars between EU countries.

8.17 am
I tell him I am not a taxi for monkeys and that I need to get home because I have to rehearse for next week’s cameo in Hawaii Five-O!

8.18 am
I tell him I’m playing “face down dead body without a chalk outline.” Where maid screams, wife calls lawyer, then 911!

8.19 am
Policeman says Hawaii Five-O is his favourite American TV series and will arrange for me to rehearse on floor of local German shopping Mall.

9.03 am
Arrived at mall, and I do some rehearsing. I lie on sidewalk, get into “dead guy” character, but it is quite hard to do without chalk outline.

10.35 am
Did not go well at mall. Passer-by said, "how's the stand-up goin', Rob?" Worried about next week’s performance on Hawaii Five-O…and Emmy hopes.

10.40 am
I’ll never forget that German Policeman’s face though - it looked like a sad face that someone had drawn onto their scrotum.

11.01 am
Anyway, one consolation I did get to meet a very sexy German girl.

So I said to her “Where have you been all my life?”
She replied, “Well, for half of it Rob, I wasn’t born!”

Be seeing you!
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