Hi kids, here is an important message from Santa Claus. . . Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve North America on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract has been renegotiated by British Fairies and Elves. I will now serve only certain areas of England and now deliver no further than The Cavern, Liverpool.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third American cousin, Santa Gump. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences Between the Real Santa & Santa Gump:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Santa Gump. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: ‘These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson’.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Santa Gump prefers that children leave a jug of Jim Beam and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. Also Santa Gump likes to smoke a little weed, so please have a spliff handy.
3. Santa Gump’s sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying raccoons instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Santa Gump’s fireplace.
4. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Santa Gump’s elves respond, “I herd dat!” or “Wassup Gumpy?”
5. As required by Southern highway laws, Santa Gump’s sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the back of the sleigh as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
6. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit XV” featuring Tom Hanks as Santa Gump and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
7. Finally, Santa Gump does not wear a belt! If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put your presents under the tree.