Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Halloween Special October 2015

This week we are proud to present a Halloween Special entitled, ‘Stranger than truth - The curse of the Vampire Scrotums!’

Rob Gotobed says:

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is how far is it from my home and how late does it stay open?

How many of us have not, at one time or another, felt an ice-cold scrotum on the back of our head while we were home alone? (Not me, thank God, but some have - in fact, my girlfriend has many a time.)

But what is behind these experiences? Or in front of them, for that matter?

Also, after death is it still possible to take showers? And if so, do ghosts have ray-guns?

Fortunately, these questions about psychic phenomena are answered in my soon to be published book, ‘Boo To You!’ In which I have assembled a remarkable history of supernatural incidents such as the bizarre experience of two brothers on opposite parts of the globe, one of whom took a bath while the other suddenly got clean.

What follows is but a sampling…”

First up: The Nun’s Story….
 “Hello! I’m a genuine nun. I recently got more than I bargained for when I complained about the standard of food hygiene at my local Wal-Mart. Unfortunately for me, the Manager of the food department, a Mr Scrotum, is the nephew of the local Witchdoctor.

Mr Scrotum then asked his uncle to put an evil ‘scrotum’ on me, invoking the deadly brand of local voodoo known as ‘scrotumnoysis!!’ As a result of this evil curse, I suddenly began to take on many of the characteristics more often associated with trees, growing a strange bark around my body and growing branches and leaves out of my head. A visit to an ex-nun friend of mine, who also practices as a witchdoctor, failed to secure an antidote - but I am hopeful of shedding some leaves during the Fall.”

Next up John’s story…
“Hi!! My name is John. I recently got more than I bargained for when I stayed at the Rob Gotobed Hotel in London. I used one of the hotel’s disposable scrotums to go in the shower, but then suddenly, minutes later, I developed a terrible green rash,  - like the one you get from too much masturbation, - and now no-one likes to sit beside me on the bus. It’s not my fault! The green fungus is so bad it spreads onto chairs and carpets. Some of it even spread onto my cooker and got into my food”.

Also in the book, Rob Gotobed explains why he believes the spirit world is more advanced than ours by approximately fifteen minutes, and why ghosts ‘hovering’ may be a socially acceptable mode of relating in the spirit world.

As Rob says, ‘hovering’ may indeed be very pleasurable. I myself once hovered over an eighteen-year-old actress for six hours and had the best time of my life!! This has not affected me in anyway, although I can no longer converse with my girlfriend without the use of a hand puppet.”

*** This update was dictated by Gizmo the hand puppet.

Next week on ‘Stranger than Truth – When Book Shelves attack.’

Be seeing yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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Tuesday, 20 October 2015

The Crazy Halloween Joke!

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician her credit card and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, “There's no charge!”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma'am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing!

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

'So…


 I just switched the heads!!'



(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!) 



Be seeing You!

. . .

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

The Principal Causes Of Death In The United Kingdom 2013 – 2014

This week I can exclusively reveal the principal causes of death in The United Kingdom 2013 – 2014 (Per thousands).

Boredom                                                        170
Non-voluntary organ donation                          381
Internet Porn Addiction                                    205
Shot while trying to escape                                  2.5
Coronary while jogging                                    112
Coronary while taking jogger to hospital           214
Contraceptive overdose                                     4.9
Experimental Traffic Junctions                         174
Dental Floss abuse                                             3.1
Relish abuse                                                   172
Surreal ale addiction                                         14
Posh Spice’s new fashion jeans                          6.2
Attempting to dunk donut while having sex      216
Low cholesterol yoga                                        9.8

Be seeing you!!
.

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

THE ROB GOTOBED 2016 CALENDAR.

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop.

People often ask me how I keep my prices so low at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop?

The answer is simple!

All my products are stolen goods that I buy from thieves! I also don’t offer a guarantee or after-sales service on any of my products.

I can also assure you that you won’t find any quality brands at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop, but you will find two large Alsatian dogs in the yard at the back of the shop, so don’t get any ideas.

Today’s special offer….

 THE ROB GOTOBED 2016 CALENDAR.

One of my happy customers writes...

Dear Rob Gotobed

What a con most of these so-called "calendars" are. Not so the superb effort form Rob Gotobed which gives us 36 days in July and a whopping 46 days in August!

What a bargain for my $9.99!! Just like Rob Gotobed to give such good value in two months when it's warm enough to enjoy the extra 20 days!!

Good on you Rob!

Love and bear hugs

Prince Charles xxx

PS: Mum says “Hi!”
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