Wednesday, 30 September 2015

The Rob Gotobed Speak Better Englandish Like Wot i Do Dictionary.

This week sees the long awaited release of The Rob Gotobed speak Better Englandish Like Wot i Do Dictionary. Here are a few extracts:

‘Baby Monitor’ (noun) – a modern child’s introduction to the surveillance society.
‘Bling’ (noun) – noise made by Chinese telephone.
‘Bikini Line’ (shaven noun) – the queue outside Rob Gotobed’s tour trailer.
‘Claustrophobia’ (noun/verb) – the fear of Santa Claus!
‘Creche’ (noun/verb) – a bump to the car in the ‘posh’ parts of England.
‘Flea’ (noun) – a tiny, bloodsucking parasite, which if it were the size of a human being would be in financial services!
‘Olympic ideal’ (abstract noun) – undetectable steroids.
‘Pessimist’ (noun) – an optimist who learns from experience.
‘The Pill’ (noun/verb) – a great way of teaching teenage girls the days of the week!!
‘Scrotum’ (noun) – the only must-have bag for men.
‘Two-up, two-down’ (noun) – a pre-op transsexual!
‘Windbreak’ (noun) – a few days respite from the Atkins diet.
‘Liposuction’ (noun) – costly technique allowing cosmetic surgeons to live off the ‘fat’ of the land.
‘Hibernation’ (verb) – nature’s way of avoiding Christmas television!
‘Blondes’ (noun) – a dyeing breed!
‘Canapé’ (verb) – a complaint from a penniless Scotsman.
 ‘Carrot and stick’ (noun) – a supermodel and her lunch! (Or should that be vice versa?)

Be seeing You!
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Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Who You Gonna Call?

In the week it was announced that drinking hot tea gives you throat haemorrhoids, spending time on Facebook raises the risk of serious health problems, and just one glass of wine a day can increase the risk of male impotency by 99%, we are pleased to introduce Rob Gotobed Healthbuster!

Yes, Dr Gotobed author of the best selling book: ‘Salt - It Knows Where You Live!’ has been leading the way in scaring people since 1974!

Although Rob cannot enter into individual correspondence, as this is associated with him bothering to write back, and having to find a pen. He is willing to answer your questions via this column, and as he says: “If, by the end, I haven’t squeezed all the pleasure out of your life then I haven’t done my job properly.”

All of Dr Gotobed’s replies are backed up by scientific-sounding evidence of the kind that doesn’t bear close scrutiny. “You can be sure of that!” confirmed Dr Gotobed who would also like to make it clear that he did not buy his doctorate even though it cost him $7799 via a correspondence course he actually never completed.

He also added, ‘that living for a long time can lead to old age’ and ‘that flower arranging can cause your ankles to go missing.’

Anyway we are sure you will find the following Dr Gotobed Handy Health Tips’ invaluable…

1. If you feel a build-up of cholesterol then blow into your handkerchief.

2. Just because you have a desk job it doesn’t mean you have to be sedentary – put the desk on your back and take it out to lunch.

3. Marijuana should not count as one of your five-a-day vegetables.

4. Joining a health club is always a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to just eat less pizza?

5. Always bend your knees when you lift something heavy, because those leggings turn sheer when you bend over.

6. If we are what we eat and you’re a squirrel? Then it’s time to face up to it, you’re nuts.

7. Always look away when you see a cute kitten playing with wool.

Be seeing you

Dr Rob Gotobed
The only doctor who every time one of his patients drop their pants, gives them a high-five and says, "Way to go".

**This blog was sponsored by Dr Rob Gotobed’s Healthbusters – 'We're ready to scare you!'
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Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Romance Aboard The Romantic Cruise Ship Of Love.

Dave and Rhiannon met while on a singles cruise and Dave fell head over heels for her.

Every date seemed better than the last..

On the one-month anniversary of their first date, Dave took Rhiannon to a fine restaurant and said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage”.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Rhiannon took a deep breath and responded, "Dave, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a "Hooker!"

"I see," Dave replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought about the seriousness of where this relationship could go.

Then Dave spoke, "You know, Rhiannon, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Be seeing you!
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Wednesday, 9 September 2015

National Shakespeare Day

Today is National Shakespeare Day and although I often walk around London dressed as William Shakespeare, I do not feel that I am reincarnated in anyway. - I’m just bard to the bone! (Sorry about that one folks).

Little known fact: William Shakespeare wore a frilly ruff around his neck, but he also wore one down his boxer shorts.

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my collaboration with my latest comedy writing partner, William Shakespeare (Reincarnated!!)

Here’s what we’ve collaborated on so far….

Lady Macbeth, woefully regretting the addition of a dog to the castle daintily wipes up the urine off the floor, and curses, "Out! Out, damn Spot!"

William Shakespeare walks into ‘Ye Olde McDonald’s’ and asks for a double Macbeth Burger and fries.

And now this great Shakespearean joke:
"Et tu, Brute?"
"Aye, Caesar, for one was not enough!"

Well at least we didn’t write.. “We've come to seize your berries, not to appraise them!” Nor, “Now is the discount of our winter tents!"

BREAKING NEWS: Announcing the end of my collaboration with my ex-comedy writing partner, William Shakespeare (Reincarnated!!)

Yikes! Shakespeare is now hitting on my trusting girlfriend. She’s flattered. “He’s paunchy”, I keep informing her. - But to no avail.

Annoyed! I have just told Shakespeare that he is too Dickensian!

Be seeing You!

PS: Actually I think William Shakespeare is over rated. After all, all he did was take a lot of well known quotations and stick them together.
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Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Why I Don't Use Facebook.

For those of you who cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, try making friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

I tried and this is what happened....

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, performing stand-up comedy and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them - and it works!

Just like on Facebook, I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist!

And that, dear friends, is why I don't use Facebook. - So stop trying to get me to join!