Wednesday, 29 July 2015

The One Night Stand! (Beware guys)

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear…

"That's me before the surgery!!" 


Be seeing you!!
.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

My Top Twenty Favourite Songs About Farting!

1. I See A Bad Fart Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
2. I Feel Like A Fart Machine by James Brown.
3. It’s My Party And I’ll Fart If I Want To by Lesley Gore.
4. No, No, No, The Fart Is Mine by Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney.
5. I’m A Fire Farter by The Prodigy.
6. Saturday Night’s Alright For Farting by Elton John.
7. Come On Baby Light My Fart by The Doors.
8. Whole Lotta Farting Going On by Jerry Lee Lewis.
9. Don’t Fart So Close To Me by The Police.
10. Do You Think I’m Farty? By Rod Stewart.
11. Twist And Fart by The Beatles.
12. Nobody Told Me There’d Be Farts Like These, Strange Farts Indeed by John Lennon.
13. When You Think I’ve Farted All I Can, I’m Gonna Fart Just A Little Bit More by Dr Hook.
14. They Call Me Farty-Pants by First Choice.
15. Pretty Farty by The Sex Pistols.
16. Just Fart! by Lady Gaga.
17. I Kissed A Fart by Katy Perry.
18. What Makes You Fart by One Direction.
19. When A Man Loves A Fart by Percy Sledge.
20. Last Train To Fartsville by The Monkees.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY!

After three weeks in the garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God...

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me.... The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Be seeing you!!

.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

THE YEAR IS 1915!

The following was sent to me by a friend:

THE YEAR IS 1915
This will boggle your mind!

************ ********* *********** ********* ***********

The year is 1915 --- One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1915:

************ ********* ************ ********* ***********

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel
Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400
per year ...
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000
per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian
between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took
place at home ..
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE
EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical
schools, many of which were condemned in the press
AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and
used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people
from entering into their country for any reason.
The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars...
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't
been invented yet.
There was neither a Mother's Day nor a
Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write
and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated
from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available
over the counter at local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates
the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect
guardian of health!" (Shocking?)
Eighteen percent of households had at least one
full-time servant or domestic help...
There were about 230 reported murders in the
ENTIRE U.S.A. !
AND THE NDP DIDN’T EXIST

************ ********* ************ ********* ***********
I have now posted this without typing it myself.
From here it has been sent all over the world, in a
matter of second.
It is impossible to imagine what it may be like
in another 100 years.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

The Trouble With Dieting!

I am going on a diet for the next hour.

Feeling faint. Perhaps I should have consulted my doctor first?

Licking chocolate chips in cookies and sniffing Oreos - I guess this is what they mean by cold turkey?

Perhaps I could change time zones? Consulting map to see how far nearest different time zone is….

Yikes I’ve started hallucinating! Big Bird off Sesame Street has just asked me outside for a fight over a two day old Kentucky Fried Chicken tub!

Administering CPR to myself to recover from hour-long diet! Drinking coffee and sucking on ice cubes made from Bourbon.

Okay, I’m now feeling guilty about coffee and Bourbon ice cubes. Going on twenty minute starvation diet.

I am now satisfied with today’s starvation diet. Going to dinner now at an ‘eat all you can eat’ buffet at The Ritz in London.

Just had a thought… If you watch Jurassic World backwards, it's an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.

UPDATE:

Hi guys, 7 hour sleep diet worked great. Will power held beautifully. Quite proud of myself.

Weight now fluctuating wildly because of twice daily 20 minute starvation diets.

Going on 5 minute shower diet, followed by 30 second tooth brushing diet. They say these really work!?!?

Anyway, I just told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything!!'

Be seeing You?
.