Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Rob Gotobed: Another 21 Things You Never Knew!

1. Rob Gotobed is not the Rob Gotobed mentioned in the bible.

2. Every night Rob goes to sleep with both middle fingers up - just in case a burglar breaks in during the night.

3. Rob Gotobed thought he once heard a moped approaching but it turned out to be 600 bees riding a regular bicycle.

4. Rob calls his girlfriend’s boobs "Simon & Garfunkel" because they're both different and one is slightly smaller and weirder than the other one.

5. Rob’s hobby of recreating aerial dogfights is really expensive. He says you’re looking at between 80-90 helium filled balloons just to lift one poodle.

6. Rob once went into a bank, pulled out a gun, and shouted "Everybody be cool!" ….And then handed out sunglasses and baseball caps.

7. Rob was once shot at by a bank security guard just for pulling out a hairdryer and trying to fix a teller’s hair.

8. “U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer is Rob’s favourite song about not touching things.

9. Rob was going to go as ‘The G Spot’ to a Halloween party last year but he couldn’t find his costume.

10. If one more person tells Rob he has trichotillomania, he’s going to pull his hair out.

11. Rob’s got a superpower but it's not very impressive. He is able to fly but only two feet off the ground.

12. Rob once showed his tattoo of his grandmother to his other grandmother. …..To be honest, it didn’t go well.

13. On one occasion Rob successfully breastfed an injured giraffe back to health.

14. Rob’s favourite word that he’s never actually used is kerfufflepuff.

15. In 2014, he claimed to buy toilet tissue by the grit rating.

16. In 2015, he claimed it was ‘he’ who took the bite out of the Apple logo.

17. Rob Gotobed’s farts smell of elderberries.

18. Many men are intimidated by beautiful women who shoot bolts of lightning from their breasts. Not Rob. He draws them all the time.

19. Some ancient South American tribes believe that if Rob Gotobed should remove his underpants the world will come to an end.

20. To this day, Rob still won't reveal which Muppet he dated for seven months in 2001. Our money is on Beaker.

21. Rob Gotobed is not interested in publicity.

NB. All facts were correct at time of going to press.
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Monday, 13 April 2015

Rob Gotobed In Katy Perry Stalking Shock!

The tabloids are afire this week with the stunning news that Katy Perry, the feisty threesome who was plucked from obscurity and transformed into one of America’s most successful all-girl bands (the biggest since Destiny's Child, The Supremes and One Direction) has been accused of stalking Rob Gotobed of Gotobed and Knight fame.

The stunning allegations, which have stunned the entertainment world, were made after what appears to be a string of “mysterious circumstances” surrounding Mr. Gotobed, known around the world for his huge talent, huge stardom and Hugh Jackman.

“I have been in hiding for the last six weeks” Mr. Gotobed told me from his concrete bunker at a secret location at 23 Hitler Street, Scunthorpe. “It has been a nightmare. Just because I am in the public eye, it doesn’t mean my life is up for any old Tom, Dick or Deborah Harry to hound my every move.”

The whole sorry tale started in September 2013, when Mr. Gotobed returned home to find his garbage had been knocked over, in a seemingly random attack by Katy Perry.

“That is typical of Katy,” he confided. “She is well known for being above the rules, not needing any good advice, not caring what the neighbours say. She has absolutely no regard. I am stunned.”

Mr. Gotobed claims the attacks have become more intensified since Firework was covered by One Direction. His windows were egged on a regular basis, and his suspicions immediately fell upon the urban-guerrilla Katy Perry.

“I know Katy is not probably known for this kind of mindless vandalism because she is easily egged on – and so is my house”.

Mr. Gotobed, resplendent in matching feather boa and Y-fronts, just wishes to be left alone by the terrible teenybopper.

“I blame Keira Knightley. She is the brains of the operation and I just know whenever I see one of her intimidating films that she is thinking of all kinds of wicked, wicked things to do to me.”

When questioned further about Keira Knightley, Mr. Gotobed shuddered and told us of waking up one morning and being stunned to find Clarins Joli Rouge lipstick daubed on his front door. This, he tells us, is her calling card.

Both Katy Perry and Keira Knightley’s management have stunningly refused to comment on the accusations, and Mr. Gotobed is living in fear for his life.

BREAKING NEWS: Katy Perry and Keira Knightley are actually doing community service in Scunthorpe* - after a complaint was received about them kicking a football against a pensioner’s bungalow in the early hours - both still refuse to apologise to Mr. Gotobed, and if asked by anyone will actually deny all knowledge of their reign of terror.

Report By Izzy Ferrari   14th April 2015
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Wednesday, 1 April 2015

An Exclusive Interview With Rob Gotobed.

I was two hours and forty three seconds late for my meeting with Rob Gotobed.

I had made arrangements with Irma Bunt, the ex-villainess from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, who is now employed as RG’s personal secretary, to meet with Rob in his elegant London apartment, but I hadn’t banked on the over zealous bodyguards that awaited me.

I experienced a measure of difficulty before I was actually allowed onto the doorstep. The officer in charge of the squad holding the crowds of young girls at bay refused to believe that I was there on business, and it was only when Irma phoned down from the penthouse to confirm that I had an appointment with Rob that I was allowed in.

After the dust and heat of the street, the front-hall was a haven of peace and tranquillity. As my eyes became accustomed to the gloom I saw some of the trappings with which a fantastically successful Comedian surrounds himself. In a corner of the vast hall was a German Panzer tank, on which generations of fans had scrawled their protestations of unfailing devotion in a bewildering variety of cheap lipsticks.

On the wall was a range of fine paintings. I recognised an early Justin Bieber, two de Paris Hilton’s and at least five efforts in crayon by Britney Spears. There was also a full-sized map of Disneyworld and several posters advertising Rob’s sensational gigs in places as far apart as the top of Shaftsbury Avenue and the bottom of Shaftsbury Avenue.

I was allowed to linger in this unattractive environmental disaster for eighteen hours - unfortunately Rob does not believe in chairs and there were none in sight - before Irma, a stunningly unattractive ex-Smersh Assassin with a Russian styled coiffure and a tartan sari of fetching ugliness, came down to tell me that I could now go down into the kitchen and fix the refrigerator.

I explained that I had been sent by The Los Angeles Times to interview Rob and to discover his feelings on the seventies craze of Cabbage Patch dolls. She laughed in a sinister way and disappeared upstairs again.

Forty two minutes later she reappeared as ugly as ever, and told me that Monsieur Gotobed would see me now. The elevator did not seem to be working, so Irma and I walked the thirty-eight floors up to Rob’s private suite.
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In between gasps I asked her what it was like to work for such a fabulous personality. Was it true, I wanted to know, that he was making a NEW comedy film based on the components of the Internal combustion Engine? Had he, I wondered, really severed his relationship with the glamorous starlet Lindsay Lohan - who reacted to Rob breaking off their passionate love affair by turning to lesbianism. Irma passed me a water melon from a bowl on the staircase but made no answer.

From time to time as we climbed I saw the shadowy and scantily dressed figures of twenty-something young girls of all hues and nationalities flitting in and, indeed, out of such rooms as the library, with its unique collection of rare illuminated medieval comedy scripts, the billiard room, with its teak-panelled sauna and massage chamber for the exhausted billiardier, the jester’s gallery, with an extensive replica of the Paris Metro system, and the private zoo, in which Rob keeps the three white panthers he takes with him whenever he tours the comedy clubs of North America.

Eventually Irma and I reached the great man’s lair and were ushered in by the two dusky Albino dwarves, who come, I believe, from Texas.

Rob was already up when I walked into the room, (a problem Rob regularly suffers from first thing in the morning) and one of the girls in the room offered me a Gotobed Sunrise. I accepted gratefully and handed her the nutritious water melon Irma had given me earlier.

Rob beckoned me over to the brushed-steel and glass bar inside the bed, motioned me on to a Victorian bucking-bronco rocking horse, and asked me to remove all clothing in case of accidents. He then clambered back into bed. A furtive giggle came from what I had hitherto supposed to be a heap of clothing on the pillows. Then having made my apologies for my tardiness, I began the interview….

Izzy Ferrari April 2nd 2015
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