Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Driving down to Kraftwerk’s Kling Klang studio in Germany.

8.01 am
Driving down to Kraftwerk’s Kling Klang studio in Germany to do some recording for my new comedy album - it’s my favourite part of the world at this time of the year.

8.12 am
Just been pulled over by a German policeman. He wants to know why there are monkey paw prints on the roof of my car?  ……I genuinely have no idea!

8.13 am
Because of my frozen Botox face, my expression does not match my driver’s license photo and he wants to arrest me.

8.14 am
Thought for new tweet for Twitter: There’s nothing wrong with aging, unless you’re a cheese.

8.15 am
German Policeman tells me it is illegal to taxi around monkeys on the roofs of cars between EU countries.

8.17 am
I tell him I am not a taxi for monkeys and that I need to get home because I have to rehearse for next week’s cameo in The Mentalist!

8.18 am
I tell him I’m playing “face down dead body without a chalk outline.” Where maid screams, wife calls lawyer, then 911!

8.19 am
Policeman says The Mentalist is his favourite American TV series and will arrange for me to rehearse on floor of local German shopping Mall.

9.03 am
Arrived at mall, and I do some rehearsing. I lie on sidewalk, get into “dead guy” character, but it is quite hard to do without chalk outline.

10.35 am
Did not go well at mall. Passer-by said, "how's the stand-up goin', Rob?" Worried about next week’s performance on The Mentalist…and Emmy hopes.

10.40 am
I’ll never forget that German Policeman’s face though - it looked like a sad face that someone had drawn onto their scrotum.

11.01 am
Anyway, one consolation I did get to meet a very sexy German girl.

So I said to her “Where have you been all my life?”
She replied, “Well, for half of it Rob, I wasn’t born!”

Be seeing you!
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Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Who's That Guy In The Picture?

After a long night of making mad, passionate, love, a guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's bedside cabinet.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he asks nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother then?" he asks, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! God you are so jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

She then whispers in his ear…

"That's me before the surgery!"

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