Tuesday, 15 December 2015

The Santa Gump Clause.

Hi kids, here is an important message from Santa Claus. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve North America on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract has been renegotiated by British Fairies and Elves. I will now serve only certain areas of England and now deliver no further than The Cavern, Liverpool.

As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third American cousin, Santa Gump. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences Between the Real Santa & Santa Gump:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Santa Gump. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: ‘These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson’.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Santa Gump prefers that children leave a jug of Jim Beam and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. Also Santa Gump likes to smoke a little weed, so please have a spliff handy.

3. Santa Gump’s sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying raccoons instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Santa Gump’s fireplace.

4. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Santa Gump’s elves respond, “I herd dat!” or “Wassup Gumpy?”

5. As required by Southern highway laws, Santa Gump’s sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the back of the sleigh as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

6. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit XV” featuring Tom Hanks as Santa Gump and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

7. Finally, Santa Gump does not wear a belt! If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put your presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours

Santa Claus
.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Rob Gotobed An Apology!

Over the past twelve months I have posted some inappropriate blogs and tweets to readers who I thought shared the same sense of humour..

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow..

If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Looking to 2016 and onward, I will only post blogs and tweets with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Charles Bridge in Prague. It is the oldest bridge in Prague and took forty years to build. It was completed in 1404..


Tuesday, 10 November 2015

The Tokyo Comedy Store: October 2015

I completed my three gigs at The Tokyo Comedy Store this weekend and they were, as always, an unqualified success.

I arrived at The Comedy Club with my caravan of go-go girls, performing bears, trampoline, and unfrocked priests at 10.00pm.

The streets were already crammed with well-wishers, fans and followers - all of whom hoped to catch a glimpse of me without my make-up.

I adjourned to my dressing-room to address myself to the task of selecting the most desirable virgins provided for my sport.

I handed out well over a million signed photographs and ‘Rob Gotobed is A Terrifically Exciting Lover!’ T-shirts.

Once inside the Comedy Club you could sense the tension and excitement that thrilled through the expectant crowd of 80,000 plus screaming fans.

Every available space inside The Club was filled and outside tickets were exchanging hands for $50,000 each!

I can’t keep this pretence up a moment longer - and I suspect most of you suspected I was making it all up anyway.

The reality was that I arrived early, walked the wind-swept streets of Tokyo alone, and played soccer against a derelict building.

Oh, the loneliness of the long distant stand-up comedian since his excommunication from his beloved BBC.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you to EVERYONE who came to see my shows at The Tokyo Comedy Store.

You Japanese guys were FANTASTIC, thanks for being so incredible and nice. I had an AWESOME time.

Tokyo the only show where I got 800 individual standing ovations. ….One at a time, as the audience left mid-show.

Thanks Tokyo! Hope to see you again in 2016.

BREAKING NEWS!

Hi, I've just received the reviews for my Tokyo shows:

 “I don’t think legally this qualifies as comedy!” Yoko Tubuyaki, Tokyo Night Life Magazine.

“An absolutely horrible show. It was opening night of his Stand-Up tour and Rob Gotobed was already using an understudy.” The Tokyo Gazette.

“The only time the audience applauded was when I threw a shoe at his head.” Sunmee Yoshikawa, The Tokyo Chronicle.

“It’s the most upsetting experience I’ve ever had in a comedy club.” The Tokyo Tribune.

Phew! Better than expected!

Be seeing You.
.

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Halloween Special October 2015

This week we are proud to present a Halloween Special entitled, ‘Stranger than truth - The curse of the Vampire Scrotums!’

Rob Gotobed says:

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is how far is it from my home and how late does it stay open?

How many of us have not, at one time or another, felt an ice-cold scrotum on the back of our head while we were home alone? (Not me, thank God, but some have - in fact, my girlfriend has many a time.)

But what is behind these experiences? Or in front of them, for that matter?

Also, after death is it still possible to take showers? And if so, do ghosts have ray-guns?

Fortunately, these questions about psychic phenomena are answered in my soon to be published book, ‘Boo To You!’ In which I have assembled a remarkable history of supernatural incidents such as the bizarre experience of two brothers on opposite parts of the globe, one of whom took a bath while the other suddenly got clean.

What follows is but a sampling…”

First up: The Nun’s Story….
 “Hello! I’m a genuine nun. I recently got more than I bargained for when I complained about the standard of food hygiene at my local Wal-Mart. Unfortunately for me, the Manager of the food department, a Mr Scrotum, is the nephew of the local Witchdoctor.

Mr Scrotum then asked his uncle to put an evil ‘scrotum’ on me, invoking the deadly brand of local voodoo known as ‘scrotumnoysis!!’ As a result of this evil curse, I suddenly began to take on many of the characteristics more often associated with trees, growing a strange bark around my body and growing branches and leaves out of my head. A visit to an ex-nun friend of mine, who also practices as a witchdoctor, failed to secure an antidote - but I am hopeful of shedding some leaves during the Fall.”

Next up John’s story…
“Hi!! My name is John. I recently got more than I bargained for when I stayed at the Rob Gotobed Hotel in London. I used one of the hotel’s disposable scrotums to go in the shower, but then suddenly, minutes later, I developed a terrible green rash,  - like the one you get from too much masturbation, - and now no-one likes to sit beside me on the bus. It’s not my fault! The green fungus is so bad it spreads onto chairs and carpets. Some of it even spread onto my cooker and got into my food”.

Also in the book, Rob Gotobed explains why he believes the spirit world is more advanced than ours by approximately fifteen minutes, and why ghosts ‘hovering’ may be a socially acceptable mode of relating in the spirit world.

As Rob says, ‘hovering’ may indeed be very pleasurable. I myself once hovered over an eighteen-year-old actress for six hours and had the best time of my life!! This has not affected me in anyway, although I can no longer converse with my girlfriend without the use of a hand puppet.”

*** This update was dictated by Gizmo the hand puppet.

Next week on ‘Stranger than Truth – When Book Shelves attack.’

Be seeing yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

The Crazy Halloween Joke!

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician her credit card and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, “There's no charge!”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma'am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing!

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

'So…


 I just switched the heads!!'



(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!) 



Be seeing You!

. . .

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

The Principal Causes Of Death In The United Kingdom 2013 – 2014

This week I can exclusively reveal the principal causes of death in The United Kingdom 2013 – 2014 (Per thousands).

Boredom                                                        170
Non-voluntary organ donation                          381
Internet Porn Addiction                                    205
Shot while trying to escape                                  2.5
Coronary while jogging                                    112
Coronary while taking jogger to hospital           214
Contraceptive overdose                                     4.9
Experimental Traffic Junctions                         174
Dental Floss abuse                                             3.1
Relish abuse                                                   172
Surreal ale addiction                                         14
Posh Spice’s new fashion jeans                          6.2
Attempting to dunk donut while having sex      216
Low cholesterol yoga                                        9.8

Be seeing you!!
.

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

THE ROB GOTOBED 2016 CALENDAR.

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop.

People often ask me how I keep my prices so low at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop?

The answer is simple!

All my products are stolen goods that I buy from thieves! I also don’t offer a guarantee or after-sales service on any of my products.

I can also assure you that you won’t find any quality brands at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop, but you will find two large Alsatian dogs in the yard at the back of the shop, so don’t get any ideas.

Today’s special offer….

 THE ROB GOTOBED 2016 CALENDAR.

One of my happy customers writes...

Dear Rob Gotobed

What a con most of these so-called "calendars" are. Not so the superb effort form Rob Gotobed which gives us 36 days in July and a whopping 46 days in August!

What a bargain for my $9.99!! Just like Rob Gotobed to give such good value in two months when it's warm enough to enjoy the extra 20 days!!

Good on you Rob!

Love and bear hugs

Prince Charles xxx

PS: Mum says “Hi!”
.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

The Rob Gotobed Speak Better Englandish Like Wot i Do Dictionary.

This week sees the long awaited release of The Rob Gotobed speak Better Englandish Like Wot i Do Dictionary. Here are a few extracts:

‘Baby Monitor’ (noun) – a modern child’s introduction to the surveillance society.
‘Bling’ (noun) – noise made by Chinese telephone.
‘Bikini Line’ (shaven noun) – the queue outside Rob Gotobed’s tour trailer.
‘Claustrophobia’ (noun/verb) – the fear of Santa Claus!
‘Creche’ (noun/verb) – a bump to the car in the ‘posh’ parts of England.
‘Flea’ (noun) – a tiny, bloodsucking parasite, which if it were the size of a human being would be in financial services!
‘Olympic ideal’ (abstract noun) – undetectable steroids.
‘Pessimist’ (noun) – an optimist who learns from experience.
‘The Pill’ (noun/verb) – a great way of teaching teenage girls the days of the week!!
‘Scrotum’ (noun) – the only must-have bag for men.
‘Two-up, two-down’ (noun) – a pre-op transsexual!
‘Windbreak’ (noun) – a few days respite from the Atkins diet.
‘Liposuction’ (noun) – costly technique allowing cosmetic surgeons to live off the ‘fat’ of the land.
‘Hibernation’ (verb) – nature’s way of avoiding Christmas television!
‘Blondes’ (noun) – a dyeing breed!
‘Canapé’ (verb) – a complaint from a penniless Scotsman.
 ‘Carrot and stick’ (noun) – a supermodel and her lunch! (Or should that be vice versa?)

Be seeing You!
.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Who You Gonna Call?

In the week it was announced that drinking hot tea gives you throat haemorrhoids, spending time on Facebook raises the risk of serious health problems, and just one glass of wine a day can increase the risk of male impotency by 99%, we are pleased to introduce Rob Gotobed Healthbuster!

Yes, Dr Gotobed author of the best selling book: ‘Salt - It Knows Where You Live!’ has been leading the way in scaring people since 1974!

Although Rob cannot enter into individual correspondence, as this is associated with him bothering to write back, and having to find a pen. He is willing to answer your questions via this column, and as he says: “If, by the end, I haven’t squeezed all the pleasure out of your life then I haven’t done my job properly.”

All of Dr Gotobed’s replies are backed up by scientific-sounding evidence of the kind that doesn’t bear close scrutiny. “You can be sure of that!” confirmed Dr Gotobed who would also like to make it clear that he did not buy his doctorate even though it cost him $7799 via a correspondence course he actually never completed.

He also added, ‘that living for a long time can lead to old age’ and ‘that flower arranging can cause your ankles to go missing.’

Anyway we are sure you will find the following Dr Gotobed Handy Health Tips’ invaluable…

1. If you feel a build-up of cholesterol then blow into your handkerchief.

2. Just because you have a desk job it doesn’t mean you have to be sedentary – put the desk on your back and take it out to lunch.

3. Marijuana should not count as one of your five-a-day vegetables.

4. Joining a health club is always a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to just eat less pizza?

5. Always bend your knees when you lift something heavy, because those leggings turn sheer when you bend over.

6. If we are what we eat and you’re a squirrel? Then it’s time to face up to it, you’re nuts.

7. Always look away when you see a cute kitten playing with wool.

Be seeing you

Dr Rob Gotobed
The only doctor who every time one of his patients drop their pants, gives them a high-five and says, "Way to go".

**This blog was sponsored by Dr Rob Gotobed’s Healthbusters – 'We're ready to scare you!'
.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Romance Aboard The Romantic Cruise Ship Of Love.

Dave and Rhiannon met while on a singles cruise and Dave fell head over heels for her.

Every date seemed better than the last..

On the one-month anniversary of their first date, Dave took Rhiannon to a fine restaurant and said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage”.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Rhiannon took a deep breath and responded, "Dave, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a "Hooker!"

"I see," Dave replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought about the seriousness of where this relationship could go.

Then Dave spoke, "You know, Rhiannon, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Be seeing you!
.




Wednesday, 9 September 2015

National Shakespeare Day

Today is National Shakespeare Day and although I often walk around London dressed as William Shakespeare, I do not feel that I am reincarnated in anyway. - I’m just bard to the bone! (Sorry about that one folks).

Little known fact: William Shakespeare wore a frilly ruff around his neck, but he also wore one down his boxer shorts.

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my collaboration with my latest comedy writing partner, William Shakespeare (Reincarnated!!)

Here’s what we’ve collaborated on so far….

Lady Macbeth, woefully regretting the addition of a dog to the castle daintily wipes up the urine off the floor, and curses, "Out! Out, damn Spot!"

William Shakespeare walks into ‘Ye Olde McDonald’s’ and asks for a double Macbeth Burger and fries.

And now this great Shakespearean joke:
"Et tu, Brute?"
"Aye, Caesar, for one was not enough!"

Well at least we didn’t write.. “We've come to seize your berries, not to appraise them!” Nor, “Now is the discount of our winter tents!"

BREAKING NEWS: Announcing the end of my collaboration with my ex-comedy writing partner, William Shakespeare (Reincarnated!!)

Yikes! Shakespeare is now hitting on my trusting girlfriend. She’s flattered. “He’s paunchy”, I keep informing her. - But to no avail.

Annoyed! I have just told Shakespeare that he is too Dickensian!

Be seeing You!

PS: Actually I think William Shakespeare is over rated. After all, all he did was take a lot of well known quotations and stick them together.
.

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Why I Don't Use Facebook.

For those of you who cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, try making friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

I tried and this is what happened....

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, performing stand-up comedy and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them - and it works!

Just like on Facebook, I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist!

And that, dear friends, is why I don't use Facebook. - So stop trying to get me to join!

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

My Driving Test.

I was always told on my driving test that if an animal steps out in front of my car, I should always run it over, as swerving could potentially be dangerous to other road users.

On my driving test, a cow stepped out in front of my car.

As I went past him, I looked in my rear view mirror. The cow was fine - I had missed him by millimetres.

Now, obviously, I didn't want to fail my test - so I slapped it in reverse and went after him!

I must have been chasing that f*cking cow through that field for twenty minutes before I finally hit him!!

And my driving examiner still failed me!

And Now A Big Big Apoolgee 
In larst weak’s edishn off mee plog, i acx… acks… accidently mis-pwelled the word ‘publically’. It shud, of corse, have redd ‘publickly’. Evryone heer is absolutally devastaited. How cud i mak sutch an obvyus cok-upp?

Orl i can sa is ‘sory’.

Luv.

Knob Goodinbed!!

Bee singing ewe!
.

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Are You Capable Of Bestiality?

Important Public Information Service: Rob Gotobed is open-minded about anyone’s sexual proclivities – except for those who are into autoerotic asphyxiation. He believes they need stringing up!

But is there a beast in all men, and if so how many are capable of bestiality?

Rob Gotobed provides a probing 30-second questionnaire.

1. Which of these three cuts of steak do you prefer?
a. Sirloin?
b. Fillet?
c. Rump??

2. If you were asked to draw a picture of a horse, would you draw…
a. A front view of a horse?
b. A side view of a horse?
c. A rear view of a horse??

3. On going to bed at night do you…
a. Lie facing your girlfriend?
b. Lie facing away from your girlfriend?
c. Lie facing a restless night thinking about animals’ buttocks??

4. You are driving through the jungle but find your way blocked by a giraffe, which is bogged down in several inches of mud, although still upright. You have with you a length of rope and a 36-gallon barrel of beer. Do you….
a. Tie one end of the rope round the giraffe’s neck, the other to your bumper bar, and try to pull the giraffe out of the mud?
b. Drink the 36-gallon barrel of beer in the hope that by the time you’ve finished it the giraffe will have managed to free itself?
c. Stand on the barrel and have the giraffe??

And finally this week, it’s time for Rob Gotobed’s, ‘World of the Unexplained?’- ‘Chappaqquidick?’ – Will we ever know the true spelling?

Be seeing you.

PS: This update was sponsored by Rob Gotobed’s Fast Food Outlets – ‘Where two burgers are cheaper than three!’
.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Is there Sex After Death?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: " Becci ... Becci "

"Is that you, Rob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Rob are you in Heaven?"



Wait for it.. .



"No......... ..I'm a rabbit in Lincolnshire!!


Be seeing you.

.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

The One Night Stand! (Beware guys)

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear…

"That's me before the surgery!!" 


Be seeing you!!
.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

My Top Twenty Favourite Songs About Farting!

1. I See A Bad Fart Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
2. I Feel Like A Fart Machine by James Brown.
3. It’s My Party And I’ll Fart If I Want To by Lesley Gore.
4. No, No, No, The Fart Is Mine by Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney.
5. I’m A Fire Farter by The Prodigy.
6. Saturday Night’s Alright For Farting by Elton John.
7. Come On Baby Light My Fart by The Doors.
8. Whole Lotta Farting Going On by Jerry Lee Lewis.
9. Don’t Fart So Close To Me by The Police.
10. Do You Think I’m Farty? By Rod Stewart.
11. Twist And Fart by The Beatles.
12. Nobody Told Me There’d Be Farts Like These, Strange Farts Indeed by John Lennon.
13. When You Think I’ve Farted All I Can, I’m Gonna Fart Just A Little Bit More by Dr Hook.
14. They Call Me Farty-Pants by First Choice.
15. Pretty Farty by The Sex Pistols.
16. Just Fart! by Lady Gaga.
17. I Kissed A Fart by Katy Perry.
18. What Makes You Fart by One Direction.
19. When A Man Loves A Fart by Percy Sledge.
20. Last Train To Fartsville by The Monkees.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY!

After three weeks in the garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God...

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me.... The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Be seeing you!!

.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

THE YEAR IS 1915!

The following was sent to me by a friend:

THE YEAR IS 1915
This will boggle your mind!

************ ********* *********** ********* ***********

The year is 1915 --- One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1915:

************ ********* ************ ********* ***********

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel
Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400
per year ...
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000
per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian
between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took
place at home ..
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE
EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical
schools, many of which were condemned in the press
AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and
used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people
from entering into their country for any reason.
The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars...
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't
been invented yet.
There was neither a Mother's Day nor a
Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write
and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated
from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available
over the counter at local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates
the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect
guardian of health!" (Shocking?)
Eighteen percent of households had at least one
full-time servant or domestic help...
There were about 230 reported murders in the
ENTIRE U.S.A. !
AND THE NDP DIDN’T EXIST

************ ********* ************ ********* ***********
I have now posted this without typing it myself.
From here it has been sent all over the world, in a
matter of second.
It is impossible to imagine what it may be like
in another 100 years.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

The Trouble With Dieting!

I am going on a diet for the next hour.

Feeling faint. Perhaps I should have consulted my doctor first?

Licking chocolate chips in cookies and sniffing Oreos - I guess this is what they mean by cold turkey?

Perhaps I could change time zones? Consulting map to see how far nearest different time zone is….

Yikes I’ve started hallucinating! Big Bird off Sesame Street has just asked me outside for a fight over a two day old Kentucky Fried Chicken tub!

Administering CPR to myself to recover from hour-long diet! Drinking coffee and sucking on ice cubes made from Bourbon.

Okay, I’m now feeling guilty about coffee and Bourbon ice cubes. Going on twenty minute starvation diet.

I am now satisfied with today’s starvation diet. Going to dinner now at an ‘eat all you can eat’ buffet at The Ritz in London.

Just had a thought… If you watch Jurassic World backwards, it's an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.

UPDATE:

Hi guys, 7 hour sleep diet worked great. Will power held beautifully. Quite proud of myself.

Weight now fluctuating wildly because of twice daily 20 minute starvation diets.

Going on 5 minute shower diet, followed by 30 second tooth brushing diet. They say these really work!?!?

Anyway, I just told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything!!'

Be seeing You?
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Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Whether The Weather Will Be Fine?

Is it just me or have we had an awful lot of weather lately?

And the one subject on which the girlfriend and I will never agree is the temperature of our surroundings.

Basically, I feel the cold and she doesn’t!

Now I want to make it clear that I am NOT a wimp, but I go out in hat, scarf and gloves while she’s wearing a cardigan.

And in the car I turn the heater up to 28 degrees ‘to get us warmed up’ while she travels along with her head hanging out of the window.

It’s a constant puzzle to me that humans who all share the same biology, can vary so much in their attitude to the ambient temperature?

My girlfriend’s idea of the perfect holiday is The Ice Hotel in Antarctica where she can sleep on a block of ice - in a sleeping bag, obviously unzipped to get the benefit of the minus 25 degrees chill!

I honestly believe that if we could harness the heat energy her body throws off we would have the answer to global warming.

By the way, her grandfather invented the cold air balloon. ......unfortunately it never really took off!

And finally, today’s secret revelation…

I like to sleep in the nude! - its not a real problem, except when I’m on those long haul flights.

Be seeing you!
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Wednesday, 10 June 2015

And now another in our series of speak better German!

I would like two pints of bier, please!
Ich liebe zwei steine dem bier, bitte!

Hey! This bier is warm and cloudy!
Achtung! Das bier varum und bedekt ist!

I've tasted beter urine. Give me my money back!
Ich guten mas gute skol habe. Donnen ze micht mainer geld gebekt!

Take your hands off me! Who won the bloody war anyway!
Lessen mit seiner hunde ich! Voss schmekt das blitzen dammen libfrau!

Doctor I've just been beaten up in the bar!
Herr Doktorr Ich bist der schmaken auf der bierkellar haben!

Oh God, I think my nose is broken!
Mein Gott! Ich panze meinen schnattlich germunchen ist!!

Next week how to tell a Frenchman that he has no sense of humour, and that it is a waste of time telling him a joke.
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Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Tranquillity In Our Lives!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more tranquillity in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Uriah Addy proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of Tequila, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a triple pack of Oreos, the remainder of my Prozac prescription, the rest of last night’s apple pie, some Doritos, and a box of Cadburys chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel right now!

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

Be seeing you!

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Monday, 18 May 2015

The Leicester Sqaure Theatre Show May 23rd 2015.

Rob Gotobed’s only UK appearance for 2015 will be at The Leicester Square Theatre, London - this Saturday May 23rd at 9.30pm! 

Time Out Magazine says: Expect silliness and flights of fancy from UK performer Mr Gotobed who has apparently toured the States and almost appeared on US talk show 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon'.

Y-Plans says: Side-splitting comedy with a side order of WTF!

There isn’t enough space on your screen to describe the weird, wonderful talents of Rob Gotobed and Tony Knight. They’re zany, they’re quirky and they’re probably a little crazy. They’re also ridiculously funny. Leicester Square Theatre won’t know what’s hit it when the terrible twosome unleash their outrageous brand of killer comedy.

Suitable for over 16s. Running time around 80 minutes.

Actual reviews from the Time Out Magazine website:



7 of 7 found helpful
This show is amazing, witty and entertaining!

They had great material, I found myself repeating it the next day to others. They clearly love being on stage and interacting with the audience especially Rob, a welcome and pleasant surprise compared to other stand-ups that do the practiced material and then run off stage.

Would highly recommend for a very enjoyable evening out. I wasn't laughing to the point of tears but it was a great night.




4 of 4 found helpful
The closest thing I've seen to Monty Python. Brilliant sketches, improv and musical numbers. 

I’ve been a fan of Rob’s since he was part of the team (with Rob Brydon & Ruth Jones) on BBC radio's ‘Rave’ sketch show in the nineties. 

I last saw him perform at The Punchline in Atlanta it was a brilliant show. 





2 of 2 found helpful
I last saw Rob live in 2014. For me the funniest segment was the kidnapping routine. However, I must have been sat in between the biggest Gotobed fans because these girls could not stop laughing. I mean really, based on how much they were laughing I feel bad for giving three and half stars. But this review is based on my experience right?


4 of 4 found helpful
The start was a bit slow and I wasn't sure what to expect-just wanted to see if Rob was as good live as he was on the Rave show really. But then he warmed up and was up to his old antics and he did not disappoint. Rob really connected with his audience. Great material throughout with a little edge to some of his bits. Thoroughly enjoyed the whole evening. He even took a few questions at the end. Why Gotobed? “I don't know but I am grateful!”


4 of 4 found helpful               May 27 2015                    
Rob was great, I love his refreshing approach to comedy. He will talk about anything and everything, and he can make it hilarious. He has a way of making everyday relatable ideas hysterical and he worked the crowd really well.
The start wasn‘t too hot... but after about 10 minutes I was dying. Honestly my cheeks, stomach, face and lungs hurt so bad from laughing the whole time. My girlfriend isn't such a huge fan of live comedy but she thought it was HYSTERICAL.  



5 of 5 found helpful
Rob and Tony were two really funny guys who do not need to be graphic or swear throughout their performance to make a funny point. They were classy, organized and bloody hilarious.  I highly recommend that you go and experience for yourself a great night out in London.


5 of 5 found helpful
Hilarious, quirky and fun sums this experience up for me. I use to love Rob on the Rave show but wasn't sure how he'd do onstage by himself. So went to see the show for my boyfriend’s birthday. We were both very surprised and thrilled with the performance. He's a very funny guy with lots of real life material. Would definitely go see him again.








Monday, 11 May 2015

Rob Gotobed & Tony Knight live @ The Leicester Square Theatre in London on Saturday May 23rd 2015.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve finally succeeded in getting Rob Gotobed & Tony Knight in the same room, at the same time, and they’ve gladly agreed to answer some of your questions.

Q: So how are you guys today?
ROB: Great. I turned my welcome door mat around this morning and went outside for the first time in six years.
TONY: I just had a cup of coffee that gave me just about enough energy to get up and find another cup of coffee.
ROB: Yeah I can vouch for that. He drank so much caffeine this morning that his phone is charging simply by him holding it in his hand.

Q: Do you like watching cookery programmes like The Great British Bakeoff?
TONY: Are you joking? We love them.
ROB: I wasn't alive when ravioli was invented, but I can only imagine the SHOCKWAVES it sent throughout the pasta-making community.

Q: Do you believe in UFO’s and aliens?
TONY: I believe we have already made contact with the aliens and they're way cooler than us. For example, they can skateboard forever without falling down.
ROB: Not sure, but if aliens do ever invade our planet the first question they’ll have is, why is that tiger that loves cereals wearing a scarf?

Q: Are you interested in politics and the general election?
ROB: I just find it ridiculous that it's 2015 and Britain STILL hasn't elected a Prime Minister that has a shaved head with a really long, braided pony tail.
TONY: So how does this voting thing work again? Do we just unfollow the candidate we don't like?

Q: Best advice you’ve ever been given?
TONY: "Look out!!"
ROB: I was told. That any car can be used as an aeroplane and then a submarine for a few beautiful seconds as long as you stay positive in a tough situation.

Q: What advice do you have for people going on a first date?
TONY: Well, a great idea for a first date is to eat a handful of caterpillars the day before. Then drink lots of coca-cola and then right in the middle of the date - burp out a flock of beautiful butterflies. Never ceases to impress the girls.
ROB: Also, don't respond to texts right away or you might look desperate.
TONY: Yeah that‘s right, always wait a few years and then reply "not much, you?" Keep it casual.
ROB: I joined a Dating Agency once. They matched me with a Jane Austen novel and a bottle of Tequila.

Q: Do you believe in any conspiracy theories?
TONY: Of course! I mean everybody knows that the real point of the Apollo space missions was to assassinate the first chimp in space who refused to return to Earth and declared himself Moon King.
ROB: I've never caught a bouquet at a wedding but I've been hit twice with a bag of rubbish from a moving car.
TONY: What the hell does that mean?
ROB: They know!

Q: How do you find the British Police?
ROB: I always feel safer when I see traffic cops wearing those little white gloves, as I know if needed, they can direct me or make me a quality sandwich.
TONY: Brilliant. Anytime I’ve been in trouble with a police officer, I’ve usually eased the tension by just telling them to relax or to take a chill pill.

Q: What’s your favourite movie?
TONY: Toy Story obviously, and the best thing about Toy Story is that if they ever decide to make an ‘Adult’ version they can keep the same theme song. (You've Got a Friend In Me!)
ROB: Do I have to shave? No? Cool.
Do I have to talk? No? Great!
Can I smash stuff up? Yeah? Awesome!! Count me in.
TONY: Who’s that supposed to be?
ROB: Jason Statham signing a movie contract.

Q: Tell us a secret you’ve never told anybody else?
ROB: Every night my socks sneak out of my laundry basket steal buttons from my clothes and go off to become Muppets.
TONY: The hardest thing about being the REAL JAMES BOND is not telling the world. …….Yikes, I hope you don’t accidentally print this.

Q: Rob where did you get that hair style?
ROB: Giovanni’s in the high street. They like to do things a little differently there.
TONY: That’s right, when it’s your turn you take a seat on a mechanical bull and they turn on the scissor fan.
ROB: I once saw Richard Branson walking in there holding up a picture of Iron Maiden’s Eddie.

Q: Have either of you ever come up with a totally unique idea?
TONY: Yes, an edible vegan cookbook.
ROB: A T-shirt that reads "I DIDN'T POOP IN THERE, SOMEONE ELSE DID BUT IT WASN'T ME" to wear when exiting coffee shop toilets.

Q: Do you have any really good advice for people reading this interview?
TONY: Yes. The easiest way to tell if you're obese is to put on a backpack and run after a departing bus. If the people on the bus laugh at you? You're obese.
ROB: Leaving three Mexican gherkins on someone's doorstep in the middle of the night is a fairly inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Q: And anything else either of you’d like to mention? 
TONY: Go to your local card shop and hang out near the "I'm Sorry" greeting cards. Wait till someone comes over. Break wind. Hand them a card and walk away.
ROB: Ultimately, I think the Super Mario games are about courage, hard work, and the versatility of a simple shirt/overalls combo.

© Izzy Ferrari May 2015

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Rob Gotobed: Another 21 Things You Never Knew!

1. Rob Gotobed is not the Rob Gotobed mentioned in the bible.

2. Every night Rob goes to sleep with both middle fingers up - just in case a burglar breaks in during the night.

3. Rob Gotobed thought he once heard a moped approaching but it turned out to be 600 bees riding a regular bicycle.

4. Rob calls his girlfriend’s boobs "Simon & Garfunkel" because they're both different and one is slightly smaller and weirder than the other one.

5. Rob’s hobby of recreating aerial dogfights is really expensive. He says you’re looking at between 80-90 helium filled balloons just to lift one poodle.

6. Rob once went into a bank, pulled out a gun, and shouted "Everybody be cool!" ….And then handed out sunglasses and baseball caps.

7. Rob was once shot at by a bank security guard just for pulling out a hairdryer and trying to fix a teller’s hair.

8. “U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer is Rob’s favourite song about not touching things.

9. Rob was going to go as ‘The G Spot’ to a Halloween party last year but he couldn’t find his costume.

10. If one more person tells Rob he has trichotillomania, he’s going to pull his hair out.

11. Rob’s got a superpower but it's not very impressive. He is able to fly but only two feet off the ground.

12. Rob once showed his tattoo of his grandmother to his other grandmother. …..To be honest, it didn’t go well.

13. On one occasion Rob successfully breastfed an injured giraffe back to health.

14. Rob’s favourite word that he’s never actually used is kerfufflepuff.

15. In 2014, he claimed to buy toilet tissue by the grit rating.

16. In 2015, he claimed it was ‘he’ who took the bite out of the Apple logo.

17. Rob Gotobed’s farts smell of elderberries.

18. Many men are intimidated by beautiful women who shoot bolts of lightning from their breasts. Not Rob. He draws them all the time.

19. Some ancient South American tribes believe that if Rob Gotobed should remove his underpants the world will come to an end.

20. To this day, Rob still won't reveal which Muppet he dated for seven months in 2001. Our money is on Beaker.

21. Rob Gotobed is not interested in publicity.

NB. All facts were correct at time of going to press.
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Monday, 13 April 2015

Rob Gotobed In Katy Perry Stalking Shock!

The tabloids are afire this week with the stunning news that Katy Perry, the feisty threesome who was plucked from obscurity and transformed into one of America’s most successful all-girl bands (the biggest since Destiny's Child, The Supremes and One Direction) has been accused of stalking Rob Gotobed of Gotobed and Knight fame.

The stunning allegations, which have stunned the entertainment world, were made after what appears to be a string of “mysterious circumstances” surrounding Mr. Gotobed, known around the world for his huge talent, huge stardom and Hugh Jackman.

“I have been in hiding for the last six weeks” Mr. Gotobed told me from his concrete bunker at a secret location at 23 Hitler Street, Scunthorpe. “It has been a nightmare. Just because I am in the public eye, it doesn’t mean my life is up for any old Tom, Dick or Deborah Harry to hound my every move.”

The whole sorry tale started in September 2013, when Mr. Gotobed returned home to find his garbage had been knocked over, in a seemingly random attack by Katy Perry.

“That is typical of Katy,” he confided. “She is well known for being above the rules, not needing any good advice, not caring what the neighbours say. She has absolutely no regard. I am stunned.”

Mr. Gotobed claims the attacks have become more intensified since Firework was covered by One Direction. His windows were egged on a regular basis, and his suspicions immediately fell upon the urban-guerrilla Katy Perry.

“I know Katy is not probably known for this kind of mindless vandalism because she is easily egged on – and so is my house”.

Mr. Gotobed, resplendent in matching feather boa and Y-fronts, just wishes to be left alone by the terrible teenybopper.

“I blame Keira Knightley. She is the brains of the operation and I just know whenever I see one of her intimidating films that she is thinking of all kinds of wicked, wicked things to do to me.”

When questioned further about Keira Knightley, Mr. Gotobed shuddered and told us of waking up one morning and being stunned to find Clarins Joli Rouge lipstick daubed on his front door. This, he tells us, is her calling card.

Both Katy Perry and Keira Knightley’s management have stunningly refused to comment on the accusations, and Mr. Gotobed is living in fear for his life.

BREAKING NEWS: Katy Perry and Keira Knightley are actually doing community service in Scunthorpe* - after a complaint was received about them kicking a football against a pensioner’s bungalow in the early hours - both still refuse to apologise to Mr. Gotobed, and if asked by anyone will actually deny all knowledge of their reign of terror.

Report By Izzy Ferrari   14th April 2015
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Wednesday, 1 April 2015

An Exclusive Interview With Rob Gotobed.

I was two hours and forty three seconds late for my meeting with Rob Gotobed.

I had made arrangements with Irma Bunt, the ex-villainess from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, who is now employed as RG’s personal secretary, to meet with Rob in his elegant London apartment, but I hadn’t banked on the over zealous bodyguards that awaited me.

I experienced a measure of difficulty before I was actually allowed onto the doorstep. The officer in charge of the squad holding the crowds of young girls at bay refused to believe that I was there on business, and it was only when Irma phoned down from the penthouse to confirm that I had an appointment with Rob that I was allowed in.

After the dust and heat of the street, the front-hall was a haven of peace and tranquillity. As my eyes became accustomed to the gloom I saw some of the trappings with which a fantastically successful Comedian surrounds himself. In a corner of the vast hall was a German Panzer tank, on which generations of fans had scrawled their protestations of unfailing devotion in a bewildering variety of cheap lipsticks.

On the wall was a range of fine paintings. I recognised an early Justin Bieber, two de Paris Hilton’s and at least five efforts in crayon by Britney Spears. There was also a full-sized map of Disneyworld and several posters advertising Rob’s sensational gigs in places as far apart as the top of Shaftsbury Avenue and the bottom of Shaftsbury Avenue.

I was allowed to linger in this unattractive environmental disaster for eighteen hours - unfortunately Rob does not believe in chairs and there were none in sight - before Irma, a stunningly unattractive ex-Smersh Assassin with a Russian styled coiffure and a tartan sari of fetching ugliness, came down to tell me that I could now go down into the kitchen and fix the refrigerator.

I explained that I had been sent by The Los Angeles Times to interview Rob and to discover his feelings on the seventies craze of Cabbage Patch dolls. She laughed in a sinister way and disappeared upstairs again.

Forty two minutes later she reappeared as ugly as ever, and told me that Monsieur Gotobed would see me now. The elevator did not seem to be working, so Irma and I walked the thirty-eight floors up to Rob’s private suite.
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In between gasps I asked her what it was like to work for such a fabulous personality. Was it true, I wanted to know, that he was making a NEW comedy film based on the components of the Internal combustion Engine? Had he, I wondered, really severed his relationship with the glamorous starlet Lindsay Lohan - who reacted to Rob breaking off their passionate love affair by turning to lesbianism. Irma passed me a water melon from a bowl on the staircase but made no answer.

From time to time as we climbed I saw the shadowy and scantily dressed figures of twenty-something young girls of all hues and nationalities flitting in and, indeed, out of such rooms as the library, with its unique collection of rare illuminated medieval comedy scripts, the billiard room, with its teak-panelled sauna and massage chamber for the exhausted billiardier, the jester’s gallery, with an extensive replica of the Paris Metro system, and the private zoo, in which Rob keeps the three white panthers he takes with him whenever he tours the comedy clubs of North America.

Eventually Irma and I reached the great man’s lair and were ushered in by the two dusky Albino dwarves, who come, I believe, from Texas.

Rob was already up when I walked into the room, (a problem Rob regularly suffers from first thing in the morning) and one of the girls in the room offered me a Gotobed Sunrise. I accepted gratefully and handed her the nutritious water melon Irma had given me earlier.

Rob beckoned me over to the brushed-steel and glass bar inside the bed, motioned me on to a Victorian bucking-bronco rocking horse, and asked me to remove all clothing in case of accidents. He then clambered back into bed. A furtive giggle came from what I had hitherto supposed to be a heap of clothing on the pillows. Then having made my apologies for my tardiness, I began the interview….

Izzy Ferrari April 2nd 2015
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Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Driving down to Kraftwerk’s Kling Klang studio in Germany.

8.01 am
Driving down to Kraftwerk’s Kling Klang studio in Germany to do some recording for my new comedy album - it’s my favourite part of the world at this time of the year.

8.12 am
Just been pulled over by a German policeman. He wants to know why there are monkey paw prints on the roof of my car?  ……I genuinely have no idea!

8.13 am
Because of my frozen Botox face, my expression does not match my driver’s license photo and he wants to arrest me.

8.14 am
Thought for new tweet for Twitter: There’s nothing wrong with aging, unless you’re a cheese.

8.15 am
German Policeman tells me it is illegal to taxi around monkeys on the roofs of cars between EU countries.

8.17 am
I tell him I am not a taxi for monkeys and that I need to get home because I have to rehearse for next week’s cameo in The Mentalist!

8.18 am
I tell him I’m playing “face down dead body without a chalk outline.” Where maid screams, wife calls lawyer, then 911!

8.19 am
Policeman says The Mentalist is his favourite American TV series and will arrange for me to rehearse on floor of local German shopping Mall.

9.03 am
Arrived at mall, and I do some rehearsing. I lie on sidewalk, get into “dead guy” character, but it is quite hard to do without chalk outline.

10.35 am
Did not go well at mall. Passer-by said, "how's the stand-up goin', Rob?" Worried about next week’s performance on The Mentalist…and Emmy hopes.

10.40 am
I’ll never forget that German Policeman’s face though - it looked like a sad face that someone had drawn onto their scrotum.

11.01 am
Anyway, one consolation I did get to meet a very sexy German girl.

So I said to her “Where have you been all my life?”
She replied, “Well, for half of it Rob, I wasn’t born!”

Be seeing you!
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Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Who's That Guy In The Picture?

After a long night of making mad, passionate, love, a guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's bedside cabinet.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he asks nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother then?" he asks, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! God you are so jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

She then whispers in his ear…

"That's me before the surgery!"

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Wednesday, 11 February 2015

The Gotobed & Knight Story Part One

The Gotobed & Knight story began on January 21st 2006 at 45 Eggshell Lane, Scunthorpe, England, where Rob Gotobed and Tony Knight first bumped into each other.

Rob invited Tony to help him stand up. Tony, merely an amateur walker, agreed and on that very spot a myth was created.

They gained their first manager Arthur Scrotum as part of a bet (which they lost). So unimpressed was he with their comedy that he immediately sent them to Europe. Thinking that Europe was just outside Scunthorpe they accepted.

In those days, there was a third member of the duo, Leppo, he couldn’t tell jokes but he knew how to ask for directions, and in Europe that was more difficult.

For eighteen months, night after night, they performed their comedy act, before finally, they managed to escape and returned to England.

In their rush they lost Leppo. He had crawled into bed with a small German Fraulein called Heidi whose father had invented the sauerkraut sausage simulator.

In October 2009 Shaggy Epstein, a failed Oxford arsonist entered their lives. Shaggy had lost an eyebrow during the stock market crash of ’89 and had been winking around London ever since.

He immediately put Gotobed & Knight into the studio. Their first comedy album ‘What the hell happened to us?’ took 12 minutes to record. The second, ‘Why is there hair?’ took even longer.

In 2010 ‘Gotobed & Knightmania’ hit England.

In 2011 they had nineteen out of the top twenty jokes in England.

In 2012 the ‘Fab Two’ made the all-important breakthrough in America. 9,997.5 screaming fans were at Kennedy Airport to greet them. Unfortunately Gotobed & Knight arrived at La Guardia.

They were due to be guests on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno but as a security precaution they arrived a day early. This enabled them to be safely in and out of the studio before the audience arrived and the show was recorded.

It was a brilliant PR coup! The millions watching at home never even noticed that ‘Gotobed & Knight’ didn’t even appear on the show.

Jay Leno described it as the most uneventful two minutes of his life.

Reviews from their American shows:

 “I don’t think legally this qualifies as comedy!” Kathy Brûlée, The Boston Tribune

“An absolutely horrible show. It was opening night of their tour and Rob Gotobed was already using an understudy.” NYC Gazette

“It’s the most upsetting experience I’ve ever had in a comedy club.”   The Chicago Chronicle 

“The only time the audience applauded was when I threw a shoe at Gotobed’s head.” Zach O’Brian, The Colorado Express

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Wednesday, 28 January 2015

The Gotobed & Knight Story Part 2 (Or the bit they didn't want their fans to read!)

In the fall of 2012 the ‘Fab Two’ faced the biggest threat to their careers. Gotobed in a widely quoted interview had apparently claimed that Gotobed & Knight were now bigger than God, and was reported to have gone on to say that God hadn’t told a good joke in years.

The story spread like wildfire in America. Many fans burnt their comedy albums, although many more burnt their fingers attempting to burn their CD‘s. Album sales skyrocketed. People were buying their CD’s just to try to burn them.

But in fact it was all a ghastly mistake. Gotobed, talking to a slightly deaf journalist, had claimed only that Gotobed & Knight were funnier than President Bush.

At a press conference Rob & Tony apologised to God, Michael Moore, and the press, and so their world tour of 2012 went ahead as planned – but it would be their last.

In 2013 Gotobed & Knight faced an evener bigger threat to their careers when Will Ferrell introduced the two guys from England to ‘Twinkies’.

They enjoyed the pleasant effects of its creamy fillings, despite warnings that it would lead to stronger things, and it enormously influenced their greatest comedy album, ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’.

With such standout tracks as, ‘Judy on Sky with Jonathan Ross, ‘James Corden’s Leaving Home’, ‘With a Little Help from Jon Plowman’, ‘Lovely Miranda Hart,  ‘Being For The Benefit of John Cleese’ and of course ‘A Day with Eddie Izzard’s Wife’.

The release of this album – a millstone in comedy history, contributed greatly to an idyllic summer of bells, flowers and Twinkies. But it was not to last. Under questioning Tony refused to lie to the British Press and admitted not only eating and enjoying Twinkies, but ‘3 Musketeer Bars’ as well, especially the ones with peanut butter. The press always envious of Gotobed & Knight’s tight chinos, grabbed the wrong end of the stick and started to beat Leppo up with it.

Gotobed meanwhile had fallen under the influence of ‘Mararishi Tom Cruise‘, the Hollywood Mystic, and he had introduced Rob to the world of ‘Surreal Beer’ and the Ouija Wok.

The ‘Mararishi’ then invited the ‘Pre-Fab 1’ on a get away-from-it-all, table-tapping weekend to Band Camp, where he promised to enlighten Rob with the meaning of life, and where he could buy chinos for cost price.

But while Gotobed sat at the Hollywood Mystic’s bunions seeking spiritual enlightenment fate dealt them an appalling blow. For it was at Band Camp, during a session of spiritual bingo, that they learned the shocking news of the loss of their manager Shaggy Epstein.

Tired and despondent, Shaggy had tragically - accepted a job with Sainsbury‘s, on their frozen fish counter. But he had for many years held Gotobed & Knight together – often forcibly. Now he was gone – it was the beginning of the end.

And so it was, that Gotobed & Knight’s first movie flop, ‘The Magical Beefeater & The Last Of The Pink Twinkies’, immediately followed the loss of Shaggy.

It was not the strongest idea for a G & K film – 2 Beefeaters from The Tower of London invent a new style of ‘mushy pea‘. They are then eaten by a giant Space Shark and farted out into space – and it was slammed mercilessly by the critics.

In amidst all this controversy they released their ‘We’ve Arrived! (And To Prove It We’re Here)’ Album, now famously known worldwide as the ‘Beige Album’.

Ambitious in its nature, it has gone down in history as the first comedy album to contain no jokes, in fact the album consists of two sides of silence apart from a very large belch 0.02 seconds from the end of the record.

Also, the cover with full frontal Gotobed & Knight riding a naked Britney Spears & Katy Perry to a local stud farm made many fans believe that the Fab 2 had gone too far this time.

Tony Knight meanwhile, had hidden in the background so much that in 2013 a rumour went around that he was dead. He was supposed to have been killed in a flash fire at a waterbed factory and replaced by a plastic and wax replica of Leonard Nimoy from Madam Tussauds.

Several so-called ‘facts’ helped the emergence of this rumour. Firstly, Tony never said anything. Even as the ‘sexy one’ he had not said a word since 2009. Secondly, on the cover of their latest album  ‘We’ve Arrived! (And To Prove It We’re Here)' he was wearing no socks, an old Scunthorpe custom of indicating death. Thirdly, Rob says ‘I buried Tony Knight’ when you repeatedly play the last track on their Sgt Gota album backwards – in fact he says “E burres Knightiano!! Which is very bad Spanish for “I need a toilet quick!”

Fourthly, on the posters for The Gotobed & Knight World Tour of 2012, Tony is leaning in the exact position of a dying dinosaur! (From The Gotobed, & Knight Big Book of Dinosaurs). And finally, if you say the title of ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’ backwards it is supposed to sound like ‘Tony has been dead for ages honest.’ In fact it sounds uncannily like “Wohs thgil eikniwt bulc strad ylenol satog tnaegres”.

Tony was, of course, far from dead. Although not far from Scunthorpe. He had fallen into bed with Becky Chipmunk, a large-breasted, biologically accommodating girl whose father had invented Pop Tarts, which had started the Iraq War.

When Tony met her it was lust at first bite. They retired to his aunt’s bungalow in Crewe where he woke up exhausted a year later to find Becky gone, leaving only some crumbs in the bed and a lot of torn sheets. She left no forwarding address, no farewell note, but luckily no children.

Rob meanwhile had also spent a year in bed as a tax dodge. Paul McCartney thinks that he had either received appalling financial advice or he was desperately trying to start a ‘Gotobed is also dead’ rumour. When he finally got up to answer the telephone Bananarama Corps was in a perilous financial state.

Leppo had flown back in a hurry from his honeymoon rally in Nuremberg to meet Ron Knifeman, the most feared promoter in the world, in an attempt to settle Bananarama Corps appalling financial problems.

Unfortunately, Tony was by now accepting the financial advice of Arnold Schwarzenweisengreenenbluenbraunenburger, and Rob was consulting the I Ching every three and a half minutes!!

Business meetings were crazy. At the final meeting 269 legal people and accountants filed into a small eight by ten room. Only 23 came out alive.

The Black Hole of Scunthorpe had taken toll of some of the finest merchant banking brains of a generation. Luckily, that’s not very serious, but Gotobed & Knight were obviously self-destructing fast – and if not sorted it could lead to the worst financial credit crunch in living history –  (Oops sorry about that everyone!)

In the midst of this public bickering and legal wrangling ‘Shit Happens’ was released as a film, an album, and a lawsuit. The documentary showed Gotobed & Knight as never before – tired, unhappy, cross, and just like the rest of the world. Gone forever was the image of the two happy 'Brazilian-bushed' youngsters who had set the world a-laughing.

In December 2013 Tony sued Rob. Then Rob sued Tony. And Leppo accidentally sued himself, three times.

We asked James Corden, ‘why do you think Gotobed & Knight broke up?’
He said, “Women. Just women getting in the way. Cherchez la femme you know.”  So then we asked James ‘Do you think they’ll ever get back together again? After some deliberation he replied, “I hope not!”

But then in mid 2014 like a phoenix rising from the ashes Gotobed & Knight reformed. Starting from rock bottom they began to create the most spectacular comedy the world would never want to see.....

The End.

PS: The Gotobed, Leppo & Knight Archaeology Cds 1,2 & 14 featuring jokes with different punch lines, (and some even with no punch lines at all), outtakes, and the almost legendary lost comedy album, ‘Smile You’re at Shabby Road Studio’ is still available for export on the Bananarama LP: BPCS #7088.