Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Subject: Supermarket Sex Scam.

PLEASE BE WARNED!

Over the last month my girlfriend has become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into her local Walmart for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite an experience.

- Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your girlfriend.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old males come over to your girlfriend’s car as she is packing her shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning her windscreen, their six-packs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When she thanks them and offers them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask her for a lift to another supermarket, in her case, Kroger’s.

She agrees and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely NAKED!

Then, when your girlfriend pulls over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over her lap, kissing her, touching her intimately, and thrusting himself against her, while the other one steals her handbag.

My girlfriend has had her handbag stolen on July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 25th!

On July 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, and twice this morning!

So please, PLEASE warn all the women you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon!

P.S. My girlfriend informs me that Walgreens have cheap handbags on sale for $14.99 each but Old Navy have some for $15.75 and they look better!!

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Wednesday, 16 July 2014

A Week in the Life of David Beckham & Posh Spice 

(The Completely Made-Up Diary Of A Superstar & A Part-Time Footballer - Or is it?!?!)


MONDAY.
Just heard that some Cockney Geezer is trying to sell the house in London where Posh lived when she was a kid. He wants 4.5 million pounds for it! Obviously I'm very hurt I don't think it's right for someone to make disgusting amounts of money exploiting our childhood and our good names …..that's our job!

TUESDAY.
Spent the morning training with the lads at Los Angeles Galaxy Football Club. Some people in England think I've been going downhill since I left Manchester United, but that's not how I see it! I mean Manchester's got a crap shopping centre but here in LA their training ground is near Rodeo Drive. To  Posh and me, that's real progress.

WEDNESDAY.
Me and Posh are very interested in politics. Victoria is still furious about the whole British MPs' expenses scandal! Today she said, "It's disgusting 'Golden Balls', (that's her pet name for me), but some English MP is claiming expenses for his moat!" We were outraged! How come he's got a moat and we haven't! I've got the diggers coming to our Castle next Monday.

THURSDAY.
Posh is in a proper strop about me chatting up another woman! I told her I was debating farm subsidies in the United Kingdom. She immediately picked up a frying pan and said, "Oh yeah? Well debate this!!"
She then hit me 3 or 4 times with the frying pan. I'm not really sure how many times, because you don't really count, do you? I must admit I don't remember much after that!

FRIDAY.
Posh is still not talking to me. To be honest, she's been moody ever since those pictures came out of her leaving her gym in LA looking all rough and sweaty! That was very upsetting for our boys. - They didn't recognise their mum without her make-up!

SATURDAY.
Played a football match, then took Posh out to dinner to make up for our fight. Obviously, I got confused, living in all these different places, getting used to new kinds of food. But Posh never has any trouble. Like she says, " a lettuce is always a lettuce, anywhere in the world".

Be seeing you!!


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Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Katy Perry 21 Things You Never Knew.

1. Katy Perry once ate a very small car.

2. Her front bottom is the exact shape as the lightening mark on Harry Potter’s forehead.

3. The only creature that can beat Katy Perry in an arm-wrestle is a goose.

4. In time of war it is against the Geneva convention to have SEX with Katy Perry.

5. In 2006, Katy Perry claimed to have invented the hamburger.

6. In 2007, Katy got into a bar fight with Megatron, Optimus Prime, and The Predator ….And Won!!

7. Native Indian tribes believe that if Katy should remove her bra the world will come to an end!

8. Once during a live concert in Oslo, Norway, her breasts exploded!!

9. When Katy Perry coughs, neutrinos come out of her nose.

10. Every time Katy sneezes, someone in Mexico explodes.

11. Katy finds delight in hugging butter, and if she ever sees a Chinese bicycle, she has an orgasm!

12. It took Katy Perry 26.5 seconds to solve The Da Vinci Code.

13. Every Thursday evening Katy Perry likes to go to her local  McDonalds just for the free ketchup.

14. Katy Perry believes that the Tom Cruise movie ‘War of the Worlds’ is an accurate account of the War in Afghanistan.

15. Katy Perry is attributed with being the one who finally convinced Colonel Sanders to use chickens instead of gophers.

16. In 2008, Katy Perry coached the England World Cup soccer team via a revolutionary new cell phone app!!

17. In 2009, she claimed to buy toilet tissue by the grit rating.

18. Katy thinks that ‘Justin Bieber’ is the name of a seriously dangerous fever!

19. Katy once spun a Finnish man round so fast he became disorientated.

20. Katy is the only person on Earth who knows the real identity of the muffin man.

21. Katy Perry plans to retire at the age of thirty and breed giant rabbits.


BONUS FACT: 
Researchers have discovered that Katy’s orgasms feel much the same as yours! But, there are some differences, due to the location of the G spots and the time difference, but the main moment of bliss is very similar.

NB. All facts were correct at time of going to press.

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