Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Christmas Update : Introducing Bubba Claus.

I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake
though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don’t
think I need that. Do you?

Christmas Update Version 2.1 : The Bubba Claus.    

A new contract for Santa Claus has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve North America on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract has been renegotiated by British Fairies and Elves. I will now serve only certain areas of England and now deliver no further than The Cavern, Liverpool.

As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third American cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences Between Santa & Bubba Claus:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: ‘These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson’.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a jug of Jim Beam and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He smokes a little weed though, so please have a spliff handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying raccoons instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!” or “Wassup Bubba?”

5. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the back of the sleigh as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

6. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit XV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

7. Finally, Bubba Claus does not wear a belt! If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put your presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours

Santa Claus
.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Driving Down To The Kling Klang Studio In Germany.

8.01 am
Driving down to the Kling Klang studio in Germany to do some music recording - it’s my favourite part of the world at Christmas.

8.12 am
Just been pulled over by a German cop. He wants to know why there are monkey paw prints on the roof of my car?  ……I genuinely have no idea.

8.13 am
Because of my frozen Botox face, my expression does not match my driver’s license photo and he wants to arrest me.

8.14 am
Thought for new tweet for Twitter: There’s nothing wrong with aging, unless you’re a cheese.

8.15 am
German Policeman tells me it is illegal to taxi around monkeys on the roofs of cars between EU countries.

8.17 am
I tell him I am not a taxi for monkeys and that I need to get home because I have to rehearse for next week’s cameo in The Mentalist.

8.18 am
I tell him I’m playing “face down dead body without a chalk outline.” Where maid screams, wife calls lawyer, then 911.

8.19 am
Policeman says The Mentalist is his favourite American TV series and will arrange for me to rehearse on floor of local German shopping Mall.

9.03 am
Arrived at mall, and I do some rehearsing. I lie on sidewalk, get into “dead guy” character, but it is quite hard to do without chalk outline.

10.35 am
Did not go well at mall. Passer-by said, "how's the stand-up goin', Rob?" Worried about next week’s performance on The Mentalist…and Emmy hopes.

10.40 am
I’ll never forget that German Policeman’s face though - it looked like a sad face that someone had drawn onto their scrotum.

11.01 am
Anyway, I did meet a sexy girl!
So I said to her “Where have you been all my life?”
She replied, “Well, for half of it I wasn’t born.”


Be seeing you ho ho ho!
.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

The Tokyo Comedy Store: November 2014

I completed my three gigs at The Tokyo Comedy Store this week and they were, as always, an unqualified success!!

I arrived at The Comedy Club with my caravan of go-go girls, performing bears, trampoline, and unfrocked priests at 10.00pm!

The streets were already crammed with well-wishers, fans and followers - all of whom hoped to catch a glimpse of me without my make-up!!

I adjourned to my dressing-room to address myself to the task of selecting the most desirable virgins provided for my sport!

I handed out well over a million signed photographs and ‘Rob Gotobed is A Terrifically Exciting Lover!’ T-shirts!!

Once inside the Comedy Club you could sense the tension and excitement that thrilled through the expectant crowd of 80,000!

Every available space inside The Club was filled and outside tickets were exchanging hands for $50,000 each!!

I can’t keep this pretence up a moment longer - and I suspect most of you suspected I was making it all up anyway!!

The reality was that I arrived early, walked the wind-swept streets of Tokyo alone, and played soccer against a derelict building!!

Oh, the loneliness of the long distant stand-up comedian since his excommunication from his beloved BBC!!

Anyway, I just want to say thank you to EVERYONE who came to see my shows at The Tokyo Comedy Store.

You Japanese guys were FANTASTIC, thanks for being so incredible and nice! I had an AWESOME time!!

Tokyo the only show where I got 1500 individual standing ovations! ….One at a time, as audience left mid-show!!

Due to audience demand, I will now be closed on Thursday afternoons throughout the rest of 2014!!

PS: Maybe it’s just me, but I believe the sport of Fencing would be a lot more interesting if it was just one guy versus a beehive!!

Thanks Tokyo! Hope to see you again soon!!

.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Rob Gotobed: 22 Things You Never Knew!

1. Rob Gotobed is one of the few people who believe Roger Rabbit was guilty.

2. American scientists are working on a robot Rob Gotobed to go and entertain the unmanned drones in Afghanistan.

3. Rob believes that everything he draws with his magic crayon comes to life.

4. On one occasion Rob successfully breastfed an injured giraffe back to health.

5. Every night Rob goes to sleep with both middle fingers up - just in case a burglar breaks in during the night.

6. Rob actually believes that it was Zorro who put the mark on Harry Potter's forehead.

7. Rob once ruptured a disc playing Rock Band: Roadie Edition.

8. Rob is banned from the Deadwood branch of Dunkin’ Donuts.

9. Rob says, “The hardest thing about being the REAL JAMES BOND is not telling the world”

10. Rob Gotobed thought he once heard a moped approaching but it turned out to be 600 bees on a regular bicycle.

11. Rob thinks there's no nicer feeling than urinating into a bottle. But other times he hates his job at the brewery.

12. After every comedy performance, his favourite treat is to lick his testicles clean with his tongue.

13. He once ate a very small bus.

14. In 2010, Rob Gotobed claimed to have discovered the clitoris and invented the wheel.

15. In 2011, he claimed he had found the Holy Grail - which he now keeps safe in his girlfriend’s handbag.

16. In 2012, he claimed it was ‘he’ who took the bite out of the Apple logo.

17. Rob has two sets of testicles, neither of which are his own.

18. According to reliable sources, Rob Gotobed’s naked body looks like the discount rack in an Old Navy store.

19. Rob Gotobed has a pet dolphin called Russell which he keeps in a hutch he built himself.

20. According to his Management, Rob Gotobed will completely shed his skin up to five times during his comedy shows.

21. Every Thursday evening Rob likes to go to his local McDonald’s just for the free mustard sachets.

22. Rob Gotobed claims to be the only person on Earth who knows the real identity of Superman.

NB. All facts were correct at time of going to press.

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Friday, 24 October 2014

HALLOWEEN SPECIAL OCTOBER 2014

This week we are proud to present a Halloween Special entitled, ‘Stranger than truth - The curse of the Vampire Scrotums!!’

Rob Gotobed says:

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is how far is it from my home and how late does it stay open?

How many of us have not, at one time or another, felt an ice-cold scrotum on the back of our head while we were home alone? (Not me, thank God, but some have - in fact, my girlfriend has many a time!!)

But what is behind these experiences? Or in front of them, for that matter?

Also, after death is it still possible to take showers? And if so, do ghosts have ray-guns?

Fortunately, these questions about psychic phenomena are answered in my soon to be published book, ‘Boo To You!!’ In which I have assembled a remarkable history of supernatural incidents such as the bizarre experience of two brothers on opposite parts of the globe, one of whom took a bath while the other suddenly got clean!!

What follows is but a sampling…”

First up: The Nun’s Story….
 “Hello! I’m a genuine nun. I recently got more than I bargained for when I complained about the standard of food hygiene at my local Wal-Mart. Unfortunately for me, the Manager of the food department, a Mr Scrotum, is the nephew of the local Witchdoctor.

Mr Scrotum then asked his uncle to put an evil ‘scrotum’ on me, invoking the deadly brand of local voodoo known as ‘scrotumnoysis!!’ As a result of this evil curse, I suddenly began to take on many of the characteristics more often associated with trees, growing a strange bark around my body and growing branches and leaves out of my head. A visit to an ex-nun friend of mine, who also practices as a witchdoctor, failed to secure an antidote - but I am hopeful of shedding some leaves during the Fall.”

Next up John’s story…
“Hi!! My name is John. I recently got more than I bargained for when I stayed at the Rob Gotobed Hotel in London. I used one of the hotel’s disposable scrotums to go in the shower, but then suddenly, minutes later, I developed a terrible green rash,  - like the one you get from too much masturbation, - and now no-one likes to sit beside me on the bus. It’s not my fault! The green fungus is so bad it spreads onto chairs and carpets. Some of it even spread onto my cooker and got into my food”.

Also in the book, Rob Gotobed explains why he believes the spirit world is more advanced than ours by approximately fifteen minutes, and why ghosts ‘hovering’ may be a socially acceptable mode of relating in the spirit world.

As Rob says, ‘hovering’ may indeed be very pleasurable. I myself once hovered over an eighteen-year-old actress for six hours and had the best time of my life!! This has not affected me in anyway, although I can no longer converse with my girlfriend without the use of a hand puppet!”

*** This update was dictated by Gizmo the hand puppet.

Next week on ‘Stranger than Truth – When Book Shelves attack!!’

Be seeing yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Rob Gotobed A Short History

An article of hardly any historical interest as dictated by Robert ‘Isosceles-Triangle’ Gotobed.

On January 21st 2004 the Rob Gotobed story began at Paddington Station, London, England, where Rob Gotobed and Ricky Gervais accidentally bumped into each other.

Rob invited Ricky to help him stand up. Ricky, merely an amateur drinker, agreed and on that very spot, a legend could have been created.

Instead, Rob gained Shaggy Epstein as a manager. So unimpressed was he with Gotobed’s style of comedy that he immediately sent him to Berlin. Thinking that Berlin was just outside London, Rob accepted.

On his return ’Shaggy’ put Gotobed into the studio. His first comedy album ‘What the hell just happened?’ took 12 minutes to record. The second, ‘Why is there hair?’ took even longer.

In 2006 ‘Gotobedmania’ hit England. It seemed that Rob could do no wrong. A string of comedy hit singles followed, including ‘Shag Me Do‘ and ‘Baby, Don’t You Be Ovulating Tonight Coz I’m In The Mood For Love’, which brought unprecedented scenes of mass ovulation all over the United Kingdom.

At one point Rob had nineteen out of the top twenty jokes in England, even the Queen was a fan, by that we mean Boy George, not the one at Buckingham Palace.

In 2007 the ‘Fab One’ made the all-important breakthrough in America. 10,000 screaming fans were at Kennedy Airport to greet him. Unfortunately, Gotobed arrived at La Guardia.

He was due to be a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno but as a security precaution he arrived by helicopter a day early. This enabled him to be safely in and out of the studio before the audience arrived and the show was recorded.

It was a brilliant public relations coup. The audience were shouting and screaming so hard that the millions watching at home never even noticed that ‘Gotobed’ didn’t even appear on the show. Jay Leno described it as the most exciting two minutes of his life.

But, in the fall of 2007 the ‘Fab one’ faced the biggest threat to his career. Gotobed in a widely quoted interview had apparently claimed that he was now bigger than God, and was reported to have gone on to say that God hadn’t told a good joke in years.

The story spread like wildfire in America. Many fans burnt his comedy albums, although many more burnt their fingers attempting to burn his albums. Gotobed album sales skyrocketed. People were buying his cds just to try to burn them.

But in fact it was all a ghastly mistake. Gotobed, talking to a slightly deaf journalist, had claimed only that he was funnier than President Bush.

At a press conference Rob apologised to God, Michael Moore, and the press, and so his world tour of 2008 went ahead as planned – but it would be his last.

In 2009, Rob Gotobed faced an even bigger threat to his career when Will Ferrell introduced him to ‘Twinkies’.

Gotobed enjoyed the pleasant effects of its creamy fillings, despite warnings that it would lead to stronger things, and it enormously influenced his greatest comedy album, ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’.

With such standout tracks as, ‘Judy on Sky with Johnny Carson’, ‘Andy Kaufman’s Leaving Home’, ‘With a Little Help from Dan Aykroyd’, ‘Lovely Gilda Radner’, ‘Being For The Benefit of John Belushi’ and of course ‘A Day with Adam Sandler’s Wife’.

The release of this album – a millstone in comedy history, contributed greatly to an idyllic summer of bells, flowers and Twinkies. But it was not to last. Under questioning Rob refused to lie to the British Press and admitted not only eating and enjoying Twinkies, but ‘3 Musketeer Bars’ as well, especially the ones with peanut butter.

And so, while Gotobed sat seeking spiritual enlightenment from Twinkies - fate dealt him an appalling blow. For it was now he learned the shocking news of the loss of his manager Shaggy Epstein.

Tired and despondent and unable to raise any friends over the weekend, Shaggy had gone home, and, tragically - accepted a job with Wal-Mart.

But, the news was not entirely unexpected. Shaggy’s recent behaviour had been giving grounds for concern.

He had been investing heavily in South American bullfighters and NFL American Quarterbacks, and in California he had been arrested for giving the kiss of life to a rubber duck. But he had for many years held Rob Gotobed together – often forcibly. Now he was gone – it was the beginning of the end.

In amidst all this controversy Gotobed released his ‘I’ve Arrived! (And To Prove It I’m Here)’ Album, now famously known worldwide as the ‘Beige Album’.

Ambitious in its nature, it has gone down in history as the first comedy album to contain no jokes, in fact the album consists of two sides of silence apart from a very large belch 0.02 seconds from the end of the record.

Meanwhile, Rob had hidden from the public so much that in 2009 a rumour went around that he was dead. He was supposed to have been killed in a flash fire at a waterbed factory and replaced by a wax replica of Justin Bieber from Madam Tussauds.

Several so-called ‘facts’ helped the emergence of this rumour. Firstly, on the cover of his latest album he was wearing no socks, an old Irish custom of indicating death. Secondly, Rob says ‘I am dead’ when you repeatedly play the last track on his Sgt Gota album backwards – in fact he says “E burres Gotobediano!! Which is very bad Spanish for “Have you a water buffalo?”

Thirdly, on the posters for The Gotobed World Tour of 2008, Gotobed is leaning in the exact position of a dying Yeti! (From The Gotobed Book of the Dead). And finally, if you say the title of ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’ backwards, it is supposed to sound like ‘Gotobed has been dead for ages honest.’ In fact it sounds uncannily like “Wohs thgil eikniwt bulc strad ylenol satog tnaegres”.

Gotobed was, of course, far from dead. Although not far from Scunthorpe. He had fallen into bed with a large-breasted, German Fraulein called Heidi whose father had invented the sauerkraut sausage simulator.

Gotobed then spent a year in bed as a tax dodge. Paul McCartney believes he must have received appalling financial advice.

When he finally got up to answer the telephone Apple Gotobed Corps was in a perilous financial state.

In the midst of all this Gotobed released ‘Shit Happens’ as a film, an album, and a lawsuit. The documentary showed Rob Gotobed as never before – tired, unhappy, cross, and just like the rest of the world. Gone forever was the image of the happy 'Brazilian-bushed' youngster who had set the world a-laughing.

Then, finally in December 2009 Rob accidentally sued himself, three times.

I asked Adam Sandler, ‘why do you think Rob Gotobed broke up?’
He said, “Women. Just women getting in the way. Cherchez la femme you know.” So then I asked Adam ‘Do you think he’ll ever get back together again?’ He replied, “I hope not!!”

But then in mid 2010 from the ashes via Twitter Rob Gotobed reformed and once again started from rock bottom to create the most spectacular comedy the world would never want to see.....

The End.

PS: The Rob Gotobed Archaeology Cds 1,2 & 14 featuring jokes with different punch lines, (and some even with no punch lines at all), outtakes, and the almost legendary lost comedy album, ‘Smile You’re at Shabby Road Studio’ is still available for export on the Apple Tart LP: PCS #7088.

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Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Subject: Supermarket Sex Scam.

PLEASE BE WARNED!

Over the last month my girlfriend has become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into her local Walmart for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite an experience.

- Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your girlfriend.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old males come over to your girlfriend’s car as she is packing her shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning her windscreen, their six-packs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When she thanks them and offers them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask her for a lift to another supermarket, in her case, Kroger’s.

She agrees and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely NAKED!

Then, when your girlfriend pulls over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over her lap, kissing her, touching her intimately, and thrusting himself against her, while the other one steals her handbag.

My girlfriend has had her handbag stolen on July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 25th!

On July 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, and twice this morning!

So please, PLEASE warn all the women you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon!

P.S. My girlfriend informs me that Walgreens have cheap handbags on sale for $14.99 each but Old Navy have some for $15.75 and they look better!!

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Wednesday, 16 July 2014

A Week in the Life of David Beckham & Posh Spice 

(The Completely Made-Up Diary Of A Superstar & A Part-Time Footballer - Or is it?!?!)


MONDAY.
Just heard that some Cockney Geezer is trying to sell the house in London where Posh lived when she was a kid. He wants 4.5 million pounds for it! Obviously I'm very hurt I don't think it's right for someone to make disgusting amounts of money exploiting our childhood and our good names …..that's our job!

TUESDAY.
Spent the morning training with the lads at Los Angeles Galaxy Football Club. Some people in England think I've been going downhill since I left Manchester United, but that's not how I see it! I mean Manchester's got a crap shopping centre but here in LA their training ground is near Rodeo Drive. To  Posh and me, that's real progress.

WEDNESDAY.
Me and Posh are very interested in politics. Victoria is still furious about the whole British MPs' expenses scandal! Today she said, "It's disgusting 'Golden Balls', (that's her pet name for me), but some English MP is claiming expenses for his moat!" We were outraged! How come he's got a moat and we haven't! I've got the diggers coming to our Castle next Monday.

THURSDAY.
Posh is in a proper strop about me chatting up another woman! I told her I was debating farm subsidies in the United Kingdom. She immediately picked up a frying pan and said, "Oh yeah? Well debate this!!"
She then hit me 3 or 4 times with the frying pan. I'm not really sure how many times, because you don't really count, do you? I must admit I don't remember much after that!

FRIDAY.
Posh is still not talking to me. To be honest, she's been moody ever since those pictures came out of her leaving her gym in LA looking all rough and sweaty! That was very upsetting for our boys. - They didn't recognise their mum without her make-up!

SATURDAY.
Played a football match, then took Posh out to dinner to make up for our fight. Obviously, I got confused, living in all these different places, getting used to new kinds of food. But Posh never has any trouble. Like she says, " a lettuce is always a lettuce, anywhere in the world".

Be seeing you!!


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Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Katy Perry 21 Things You Never Knew.

1. Katy Perry once ate a very small car.

2. Her front bottom is the exact shape as the lightening mark on Harry Potter’s forehead.

3. The only creature that can beat Katy Perry in an arm-wrestle is a goose.

4. In time of war it is against the Geneva convention to have SEX with Katy Perry.

5. In 2006, Katy Perry claimed to have invented the hamburger.

6. In 2007, Katy got into a bar fight with Megatron, Optimus Prime, and The Predator ….And Won!!

7. Native Indian tribes believe that if Katy should remove her bra the world will come to an end!

8. Once during a live concert in Oslo, Norway, her breasts exploded!!

9. When Katy Perry coughs, neutrinos come out of her nose.

10. Every time Katy sneezes, someone in Mexico explodes.

11. Katy finds delight in hugging butter, and if she ever sees a Chinese bicycle, she has an orgasm!

12. It took Katy Perry 26.5 seconds to solve The Da Vinci Code.

13. Every Thursday evening Katy Perry likes to go to her local  McDonalds just for the free ketchup.

14. Katy Perry believes that the Tom Cruise movie ‘War of the Worlds’ is an accurate account of the War in Afghanistan.

15. Katy Perry is attributed with being the one who finally convinced Colonel Sanders to use chickens instead of gophers.

16. In 2008, Katy Perry coached the England World Cup soccer team via a revolutionary new cell phone app!!

17. In 2009, she claimed to buy toilet tissue by the grit rating.

18. Katy thinks that ‘Justin Bieber’ is the name of a seriously dangerous fever!

19. Katy once spun a Finnish man round so fast he became disorientated.

20. Katy is the only person on Earth who knows the real identity of the muffin man.

21. Katy Perry plans to retire at the age of thirty and breed giant rabbits.


BONUS FACT: 
Researchers have discovered that Katy’s orgasms feel much the same as yours! But, there are some differences, due to the location of the G spots and the time difference, but the main moment of bliss is very similar.

NB. All facts were correct at time of going to press.

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Wednesday, 18 June 2014

The Reviews From The Opening Night of My 2014 American Tour.

 “I don’t think legally this qualifies as comedy!” Kathy Brûlée, Time Out Magazine.

“An absolutely horrible show. It was opening night of his Stand-Up tour and Rob Gotobed was already using an understudy.” NYC Gazette.

“The only time the audience applauded was when I threw a shoe at his head.” Zach O’Brian, The Chicago Chronicle.

“It’s the most upsetting experience I’ve ever had in a comedy club.” The Boston Tribune.

Phew! Better than expected!

Be seeing you!


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Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Spontaneous Combustion: Is it an embarrassing problem?

“Not anymore”, says top British Scientist Prof. Rob Gotobed!

Prof. Gotobed takes up the story…
“Anyone can suffer from spontaneous combustion!! And boy, is it embarrassing!! At a dinner party, at the office, massaging your grandmother – and ‘BAM!!!’ you explode into plumes of towering flames!!”

“So why not try my NEW-and-improved ‘Rob Gotobed asbestos boxer shorts!’

They’re comfortable, they don’t flake (much) and they keep fire down to manageable proportions. They have an inbuilt smoke-activated sprinkler system, snug aluminium coating and an emergency escape hatch!!

“But don’t take my word for it – I have hundreds, (well two actually), satisfied potential victims.”

 “I’ve been wearing Rob Gotobed’s boxer shorts for two terms of presidency – and I haven not exploded once!” (Barack Obama The White House USA)

“I’ve been wearing Rob Gotobed’s boxer shorts for ten years – and I’m thinking of buying a second pair?” (Her Majesty The Queen of Great Britain).

Also, this week sees the long awaited release of ‘The Rob Gotobed Book of Pyramidology’, it is priced $169 or FREE with all good packets of Kellogg’s cornflakes!

In the book Prof. Rob Gotobed answers the question: What is it about the pyramid shape that has life-preserving qualities?

For example: A tomato, placed under a pyramid shape will stay fresh for longer than a tomato kept in a fridge!

“To prove my theory, I, Prof. Rob Gotobed, have spent 3 weeks living under a lead pyramid, and now, amazingly enough, I too look like a tomato!!”

Be seeing you!

.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Britney’s® Crazy Fish Tank Emporiums 2014 are now open!!

Yes, Britney Spears is proud to announce that her new ‘Crazy Fish Tank Emporiums’ are now open for business!!

Yes Britney’s® offers:

*The world’s zaniest Fish Tank experience*
*Kids love it*
*Britney specialises in parties*

No fuss; just Fish Tanks – “Is there anything else? No, just Fish Tanks!!”

“Is that fish in military tanks?” No you Tosser, it’s just fish swimming around in Fish Tanks!!

New for 2014:
Why buy an expensive fish tank, when you can hire one for half the price? Britney’s® hire service is open 24 hours a day, and our fish tanks can be hired for as little as two minutes or as long as two hundred years!

Our tinted black windows are great for ugly fish, and our bullet-proof glass can withstand up to fifty bullets!!

What’s that you say, do we have Nostalgic Fish Tanks? 

Yes, fish tanks that remind you of a gentler age, including Victorian wooden fish tanks a speciality. (Warning: non-transparent!!) 

How do we do it? Britney’s crazy that’s how! 

Would you like a fish tank for a dollar? What about three and half fish tanks for $5? Or, what about eight fish tanks for 5 cents? 

How do we stay in business? 
Don’t you worry about that, Britney will worry about that – coz, that’s her lookout!!

So, why not come around and ask for me, Mental Rob Gotobed! Or for one of my assistants, Mental Lindsay Lohan or Mental Paris Hilton? We’re all mental, and we’re ready to serve you!!

Public Notice: Last week’s ‘Lucky Number’ was Fish Tank Number 78!!

“The world of fish tanks is now a lot safer than it was when I first became President. Advances in fish tank technology by Britney Spears has revolutionised the industry.” Barack Obama The Whitehouse January 2014.

Please note: All Britney’s® staff are guaranteed to be sexually harassed! 

Be seeing you

.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

How To Make Your Own Rob Gotobed Pregnancy Testing Kit!

You will need:

1. A ruler.

2. A piece of string bigger than your normal waist size. (If you do not have any string spaghetti will do just as good.)

3. A paper and pencil.

What to do:

Before sex measure your midriff using the string/spaghetti and the ruler. Record the result on the piece of paper and store somewhere safe. Repeat the same procedure after sex, and subtract the two figures. The answer should be 0 (zero).

Continue the measurements daily, plotting the results on a graph: a consistent rise in waist size over a period of months tells you what you need to know.


© Steven Spielberg & Rob Gotobed March 2014

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

ROB GOTOBED (Jedi Knight remastered!!)


Rob Gotobed arrived from Never Never Land in 1974 in pursuit of his lost shadow. He is a ‘dada absurdist’ who lives on the island of Caspiar in the Caspian Sea.

He is unique insofar as he wasn’t actually born in the conventional sense. He was created when, during an accidental fire in a comprehensive school chemistry lab, by a million-to-one chance, all the chemicals contained in the human body were fused together in the extreme heat.

He is virtually identical to normal human beings. Although due to the fact that the carbon available came from the ashes of the lab benches, he has a tendency to float without effort in water. It does also explain his acting style.
“Of all the parts I could have played, Rob Gotobed is just one of them”.

Rob’s first big thrill was getting undressed and running full speed into a cactus. He also claims to be the only man in England who can tell the difference between a Scotch egg and a Welsh rarebit by touch alone.

Rob made his first stage appearance at Harold Road Junior School in Cinderella, where he is still remembered as the finest pumpkin they ever had!! It was also while at school that he first showed his ‘propensity’, and had to spend 3 weeks in detention as a result.

The Gotobed philosophy on life:
He says, “I’m an Idealist, that is, I only believe trains have wheels when they are in stations, as you can’t see them when you’re on board. Of course it also follows that I don’t believe people have bodies except when they’re naked, a fact which if true, would render much of my everyday speculation about Kirsten Dunst pointless!!”

He also goes on to say that, “Rene Descartes, the father of modern philosophy, invented the Cogito while hiding in a George Foreman stove in 1620 (to avoid attending jury service in a naturist court). And that Descartes discovered he could doubt the existence of practically everything except the reality of his own thoughts, and of course his own dirty washing!!”

“My philosophy requires a ladder, which you throw away after climbing it!!” He says. “Remember a good philosopher will always strive to complicate the most basic of statements. E.g. ‘the only true light is in the darkness’, or ‘each step forward is a step backwards’. or ‘he who is lucky to talk to the wallflower, is lucky to receive an answer!’”

“Dear God make me chaste? - But not just yet!!”

Gotobed Pastimes
“Well, for the past six months I have been hard at work in a Top-secret laboratory trying to invent a new type of chocolate biscuit. Ever try that? Ever wondered why there isn’t a wider variety of chocolate biscuits available? Just try inventing one and you’ll have your answer. Biscuits fall into two categories plain & sandwich. The problem for us wild and crazy inventors is that as soon as you take it out of two dimensions and build it up, it becomes a cake!!

Last week I thought I’d got close. I got one half of a bourbon and built up two cookies at either end into a kind of pyramidal structure. This enabled me to work out that the cream on the bourbon is equal to the chocolate chips on the two remaining sides!! But then I discovered that far from designing a new biscuit, I’d inadvertently invented a new dress for Britney Spears. Mind you, a lot of people still talk about that dress I designed for Paris Hilton. - Well, I say dress, it was more like a child’s toy-dingy sail attached to her privates!!

Anyway, all of this reminds me of the time when I was born during the Vietnam War. My American born mother (Mary Leider) was a member of the elite ‘US 101st Airborne Pregnant Division’ sent over Vietnam with the express instructions that they discover where the Vietcong kept their V28 missiles, and then ride one back to Utah. Unfortunately, as mum pulled the ripcord her waters broke, and as she landed the jolt caused me to be born. I watched as she rolled up her parachute and hid it in some shrubs. I followed suit, rolling up my placenta and umbilical cord and hiding them behind some other shrubs, near to her shrubs but not the same ones.

But I digress, currently I’m working on some new cakes. Yes they’re called ‘Cakes you would never dream contained a free piece of Home Improvement Equipment’ (catchy title I think you’ll agree?). The one I’m presently working on is a Jigsaw baked into a chocolate sponge with fudge icing and red M & M’s on it, so that it resembles Howdy-Doody from the children’s show.

Who can blame me for going a little hog wild?!?”

Gotobed Latest 2008 News
From January 1st 2008, new Euro regulations require all apples to state clearly the number of pips they contain.

This year’s new word, to be introduced on January 12th 2008, is ‘Fot’.
Reference: the Oxtail English dictionary; Fot (noun), the sound made by breaking the seal on a new jar of coffee.

When recently asked by FHM magazine what he hated most about his body, he replied, ‘my over endowment it makes the other guys jealous!!’

“Remember comedians are like fires? They only go out, if left unattended!!”

“A girl wakes up in the morning after a particularly amazing Saturday night party, and finds herself in bed with an elephant.
“My God”, she says, “I must’ve been tight last night!”
“Oh no, not after the first time”, said the elephant!!”

Post Scriptum (or Interesting fact Number 607): Yes ‘Gotobed’ is his real surname; it’s an old English puritan name. In fact a brother of one of his ‘forefathers’ was one of the original colonists at the Jamestown colony in 1607. He sailed on the ‘Discovery‘ with Capt John Smith.

Blog update by Vic Ferrari xox

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Wednesday, 19 February 2014

A Week In The Life Of Madonna (An extract from her secret diary 2014)

MONDAY.
The typical 55-year-old woman’s body consists of 25% fat. Ha!! Madonna does not do fat! I spend 8 hours a day in the gym. I can do 500 squat-thrusts without blinking – by the way that’s not my gym routine, that’s my sex life!!

TUESDAY.
Memo to legal team, reference my purchase of new $70million New York apartment. I have read the surveyor’s report saying that a subway runs beneath the apartment block and that it will cause noise, rattling, etc. Please call the Mayor of New York and order him to move subway!!

WEDNESDAY.
Hooray I can still fit in the same leotard I had when I was twelve years old!!
According to the latest figures, I am now worth 123 million dollars, and if you include my ex-Guy Ritchie’s earnings over the same period ….Wow, that’s 123 million dollars!!

THURSDAY.
Went to visit Gwyneth Paltrow. It was a total nightmare!! She’s back with Chris again and planning a baby, so she just plays Coldplay all day long to get in the mood. I told her she’s crazy. There is nothing less sexy than Coldplay. He may be her husband, but he sings like a strangled cat!!
Couldn’t even wash my hair, because Gwyneth has decided that shampoo gives you cancer and has thrown all of her bottles out of the house. ‘Forget cancer’, I shouted! ‘I need shine and volume now Bitch!!!’

FRIDAY.
I’ve been considering my whole child-acquisition programme. The judge in Malawi didn’t let me buy, oops correction, adopt, my new chosen family member?!?!
So now I shall buy Malawi instead!!!

SATURDAY.
I am displeased by the behaviour of Guy Ritchie-Madonna, whom I had to dismiss recently. He has been consuming alcohol and ‘having a laugh’ with Jude Law. He has also dated Elle Macpherson, Jemima Khan and Petrina Khashoggi. He appears unusually happy! This cannot be allowed. Madonna does not do ‘happy!!’

SUNDAY.
Today received a worrying email off Guy Ritchie-Madonna's solicitor. It informed me that the 'erectus trouserius' (trouser snake) is the world's most dangerous snake!!
It  went on to say that the color of the snake can vary from pink to black, it's fangless, and has an average length of 5-6 inches, (although some are said to grow up to 8 inches depending on the honesty of the owner!!)
It can appear in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, and its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting up to 9 months. Also, some mutant species are known to attack men from behind!!!
Hmm, dear diary, made a mental note, 'better watch out for those!!!!'

Be seeing you!!


Wednesday, 5 February 2014

The name’s Bond, James Bond!!

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,
..
.......
...............
...........................
.............................................

and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!!”


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Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Lady Gaga: 20 Things You Never Knew!

1. Lady Gaga is not the Lady Gaga mentioned in the bible.

2. Lady Gaga has never sneezed and her farts smell of elderberries.

3. In 1900, Lady Gaga was cryogenically frozen for 100 years in her great-grandmother’s fridge.

4. To make her breasts, Madame Tussauds Waxworks in London had to melt down both Justin Bieber AND Arnold Schwarzenegger.

5. Lady Gaga is afraid of oxygen.

6. In 2004, Lady Gaga was arrested by the FBI for secretly plotting to overthrow the Elf Kingdom.

7.  In her biography Lady Gaga claims her birth was "foretold by an American Eagle and heralded by a glorious double rainbow and the appearance of a new star”.

8. Her biography also claims that she does not defecate or
urinate.

9. Lady Gaga frequently participates in staring contests with the sun, and always wins!!

10. Lady Gaga once had an affair with Superman's father.

11. Her front bottom is the exact shape of Harry Potter’s wand.

12. Lady Gaga routinely shoots 9-10 hole-in-ones every time she plays golf.

13. Her urine is bottled by a major soft drinks company.

14. Her breasts have their own gravitational field.

15. Lady Gaga has webbed buttocks & can swim 7 laps without breathing.

16. In 2008, she thought the ‘Credit Crunch’ was a new type of breakfast cereal.

17. In 2009, she thought Indiana Jones & The Crystal Skull was a documentary.

18. Lady Gaga can run so fast that she can change the rotation of the earth.

19. Every Thursday morning Lady Gaga plays Checkers with Darth Vader - she never wins!!

20. Lady Gaga is not interested in publicity.

BONUS FACT: The average man takes between one and ten minutes to reach an orgasm, but Lady Gaga can take up to twenty minutes. Male orgasms only last for around four seconds, whereas Lady Gaga’s can last up to fifteen years.

NB. All facts were correct at time of going to press.

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