Wednesday, 26 June 2013

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician her credit card and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, “There's no charge!!”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma'am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing!

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

'So…


 I just switched the heads!!'




(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!) 



Be seeing You!

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Wednesday, 19 June 2013

The Rob Gotobed Oxtail English Dictionary!

This week sees the long awaited release of The Rob Gotobed Oxtail English Dictionary!

Here are a few extracts:

‘Baby Monitor’ (noun) – a modern child’s introduction to the surveillance society.
‘Bling’ (noun) – noise made by Chinese telephone.
‘Bikini Line’ (shaven noun) – the queue outside Rob Gotobed’s tour trailer.
‘Claustrophobia’ (noun/verb) – the fear of Santa Claus!
‘Creche’ (noun/verb) – a bump to the car in the ‘posh’ parts of England.
‘Flea’ (noun) – a tiny, bloodsucking parasite, which if it were the size of a human being would be in financial services!
‘Olympic ideal’ (abstract noun) – undetectable steroids.
‘Pessimist’ (noun) – an optimist who learns from experience.
‘The Pill’ (noun/verb) – a great way of teaching teenage girls the days of the week!!
‘Scrotum’ (noun) – the only must-have bag for men.
‘Two-up, two-down’ (noun) – a pre-op transsexual!
‘Windbreak’ (noun) – a few days respite from the Atkins diet.
‘Liposuction’ (noun) – costly technique allowing cosmetic surgeons to live off the ‘fat’ of the land.
‘Hibernation’ (verb) – nature’s way of avoiding Christmas television!
‘Blondes’ (noun) – a dyeing breed!
‘Canapé’ (verb) – a complaint from a penniless Scotsman.
 ‘Carrot and stick’ (noun) – a supermodel and her lunch! (Or should that be vice versa?)

Be seeing You!

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Wednesday, 12 June 2013

The Rob Gotobed Healthbuster Column!!

In the week it was announced that drinking hot tea gives you throat haemorrhoids, spending time on Facebook raises the risk of serious health problems, and just one glass of wine a day can increase the risk of male impotency by 175%, we are pleased to introduce The Rob Gotobed Healthbuster column!!

Yes, Dr Gotobed author of the best selling book: ‘Salt - It Knows Where You Live!!’ has been leading the way in scaring people since 1973!

Although Rob cannot enter into individual correspondence, as this is associated with bothering to write back, and having to find a pen! He is willing to answer your questions via this column, and as he says: “If, by the end, I haven’t squeezed all the pleasure out of your life then I haven’t done my job properly!!”

All of Dr Gotobed’s replies are backed up by scientific-sounding evidence of the kind that doesn’t bear close scrutiny. “You can be sure of that!” confirmed Dr Rob Gotobed who would also like to make it clear that he did not buy his doctorate even though it cost him $7799 via a correspondence course he actually never completed.

He also added, ‘that living for a long time can lead to old age’ and ‘that flower arranging can cause your ankles to go missing!’

Anyway we are sure you will find the following Dr Rob Gotobed Handy Health Tips’ invaluable…

1. If you feel a build-up of cholesterol then blow into your handkerchief!

2. Just because you have a desk job it doesn’t mean you have to be sedentary – put the desk on your back and take it out to lunch.

3. If we are what we eat and you’re a squirrel, it’s time to face up to it – you’re nuts!!

4. Marijuana should not count as one of your five-a-day vegetables.

5. Joining a health club is always a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to just eat less pizza?

6. Always look away when you see a cute kitten playing with wool!!

Be seeing you

Dr Rob Gotobed

**This blog was sponsored by Dr Rob Gotobed’s Healthbusters – 'We're ready to scare you!!'

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