Wednesday, 6 November 2013

The Story of Rob Gotobed’s Missing Goatee-Beard!

Ten years ago, when I was but a boy, straight of back and sexually active. I grew on a whim a goatee-beard! Well, it was on my face not the whim!

The family doctor, when consulted on the matter, recommended I stopped shaving and sure enough eight years later a goatee-beard appeared.

Well, what with one thing and another - the goatee-beard stayed, and silly old Rob Gotobed grew sillier and older beneath its luxurious pile.

So, the face that once bewitched an entire generation of young delicate women remained hidden - yikes, this is getting out of control!

Often I would shave it off with a pair of golden shears my dear old great grandpappy brought back from his expedition to discover the source of the river Thames.

Whenever I did this, I would be surprised to see my mother’s face in the mirror peering back at me.

Look if you don’t “give a damn” about the story of my goatee-beard why don’t you go and read someone else’s blog!!    #only-joking

Anyway, to make a long story even longer! I found I was aging quicker under the goatee - so I’ve remained clean shaven since that day!

Oh okay then what about this one:
Maybe it’s just me, but I believe that Rappers shouldn't have to file tax returns. - Well, after all, they itemize everything they own in their songs!


Be seeing you!

.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

The Rob Gotobed Stealth Condoms!

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Marital Aid Shop!

Today’s special offer….

THE ROB GOTOBED STEALTH CONDOMS.

For the considerate lover who just wants to be in and out without anyone noticing - Yes show her you really care!! Only $1,439,456.99 from The Rob Gotobed Marital Aid Shop!

Be seeing you!!

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

The Rob Gotobed Cowboy Vibrating Unit!

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Wild West Rodeo Shop!

Today’s special offer….

THE ROB GOTOBED COWBOY VIBRATING UNIT.

The new improved Rob Gotobed Cowboy has a special prong, that when inserted into any object will gently vibrate it!

You can use it to vibrate your house to knock off all your accumulated dust, or during winter to remove unwanted snow or woodpeckers from your roof!

Not convinced? Then imagine this scenario - you’re sat at home when suddenly you receive an unexpected visit from Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, and the New York Mets!!

(I know, how often does that happen? At least 16 times per year to an average household I think you’ll agree!!)

Mmmm… but what a dilemma???? How to keep that lot entertained!!

Well, with the aide of ‘The New Rob Gotobed Cowboy Vibrating Unit’, there’s no need to worry. Simply insert the cowboy’s special prong into Orlando Bloom and it’ll keep the New York Mets amused for hours!!

**This week’s special offer buy two and vibrate Johnny Depp as well!!**

Only $9.99 from The Rob Gotobed Wild West Rodeo Shop – but only while stocks last!!

How does it work? I don’t know, but it does!!

Be seeing You!

.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Rob Gotobed's Reversible Toilet Paper!

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Novelty Poop Shop!

Today’s special offer….

ROB GOTOBED’S REVERSIBLE TOILET PAPER. 

Yes, even better than recyclable toilet paper!

With the new extra absorbent Gotobed toilet paper, you can use both sides, then stick it on the washing line to dry, and use it again!!

Each roll comes with a lifetime guarantee and is only $9.99 from The Rob Gotobed Novelty Poop Shop!

How does it work? I don’t know, but it does!!

Be seeing You!

**Please note: The Rob Gotobed Combined Toilet Brush & Nasal Comb Gift Set has had to be withdrawn for safety reasons!!
.

Thursday, 15 August 2013

MOO–MOO!! The Home Brew Cow!

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Novelty Farm Shop!

Today’s special offer….

MOO–MOO!! THE  HOME BREW COW.

Yes, ‘Moo-Moo’ the home brew cow produces delicious home brewed bier in just seven seconds!!

You see ‘Mooey’ simply combs ordinary tap water with the aide of the new Rob Gotobed designed ‘Alco-comb’, and in just six seconds you’re ready to present your guests with genuine refreshing German style bier. Yes, five seconds is all it takes!! How does it work? We don’t know, but it does!!

Only $9.99 from The Rob Gotobed Novelty Farm Shop!!

Be seeing You!

.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

The Rob Gotobed Trowel & Troll Set!

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Novelty Dog Poop Shop!

People often ask me how I keep my prices so low at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Dog Poop Shop?

The answer is simple!!

All my products are stolen goods that I buy from thieves! I also don’t offer a guarantee or after-sales service on any of my products.

I can also assure you that you won’t find any quality brands at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Dog Poop Shop. But you will find two large Rottweilers called Hilary & Bill in the yard at the back of the shop, so don’t get any ideas!

Today’s special offer….
THE ROB GOTOBED TROWEL & TROLL SET. 
**Not to be confused with the Troll & Towel set from last year’s SALE**

Yes, we guarantee this troll is so frightening that nobody will ever steal your garden trowel again!! 

Only $9.99 from The Rob Gotobed Novelty Dog Poop Shop!!

Be seeing You!

.

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

The Rob Gotobed 2013 Calendar

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed and I run The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop.

People often ask me how I keep my prices so low at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop?

The answer is simple!!

All my products are stolen goods that I buy from thieves! I also don’t offer a guarantee or after-sales service on any of my products.

I can also assure you that you won’t find any quality brands at The Rob Gotobed Novelty Shop, but you will find two large Alsatian dogs in the yard at the back of the shop, so don’t get any ideas.

Today’s special offer….

 THE ROB GOTOBED 2013 CALENDAR.

One of my happy customers writes...

Dear Rob Gotobed

What a con most of these so-called "calendars" are. Not so the superb effort form Rob Gotobed which gives us 36 days in July and a whopping 46 days in August!!

What a bargain for my $9.99!! Just like Rob Gotobed to give such good value in two months when it's warm enough to enjoy the extra 20 days!!

Good on you Rob!

Love and bear hugs

Prince Charles xxx

PS: Mum says “Hi!”

.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed!!

Hi! My name is Rob Gotobed!

I collect copies of ‘Rumours’ by Fleetwood Mac on CD.

I now have over six thousand CDs with ‘Rumours’ on it. Some of these are in mint condition, and are worth a great deal of money, and some are worth even more because of a tiny imperfection. For instance, one copy has the songs from ‘Tusk’ on the CD, and even the cover of ‘Tusk’. This raises its value to thirteen dollars!!

My greatest pleasure is sitting in my storage room and going through my collection!

Be seeing you!!

.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Emma? A POEM!

And now a short poem, written by Rob Gotobed & A Gentleman in homage to the love of his life the actress Emma Watson. It is simply called, ‘Emma – why did you serve that restraining order on me?’


If I were a boat I’d steer to you,
A pantyhose, adhere to you.

If I were a plumber I’d plumb your depths,
A pancake maker, I’d stuff your crepes!

If I were a breeze I’d ruffle your skirt,
A squeezy bottle, I’d give you a squirt!!

If I were a wok I’d stir fry you,
A guardian angel, be there for you!

If I were a glass blower I’d blow you a kiss,
If I were a poem, I’d end like this…

Be seeing You!

.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

The Recession : The 10 Worst Things!!

1. North Korean television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

2. Wives are having sex again with their husbands - because they can't afford batteries!

3. Exxon-Mobil has had to lay off 125 Congressmen.

4. Truckloads of Americans have been caught sneaking into Mexico.

5. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

6. A picture is now only worth 168 words.

7. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

8. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

9. I saw a Mormon polygamist yesterday with only one wife.

10. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!!

And if that wasn't bad enough! Today I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail!!

Be seeing you!!

.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician her credit card and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, “There's no charge!!”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma'am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing!

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

'So…


 I just switched the heads!!'




(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!) 



Be seeing You!

.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

The Rob Gotobed Oxtail English Dictionary!

This week sees the long awaited release of The Rob Gotobed Oxtail English Dictionary!

Here are a few extracts:

‘Baby Monitor’ (noun) – a modern child’s introduction to the surveillance society.
‘Bling’ (noun) – noise made by Chinese telephone.
‘Bikini Line’ (shaven noun) – the queue outside Rob Gotobed’s tour trailer.
‘Claustrophobia’ (noun/verb) – the fear of Santa Claus!
‘Creche’ (noun/verb) – a bump to the car in the ‘posh’ parts of England.
‘Flea’ (noun) – a tiny, bloodsucking parasite, which if it were the size of a human being would be in financial services!
‘Olympic ideal’ (abstract noun) – undetectable steroids.
‘Pessimist’ (noun) – an optimist who learns from experience.
‘The Pill’ (noun/verb) – a great way of teaching teenage girls the days of the week!!
‘Scrotum’ (noun) – the only must-have bag for men.
‘Two-up, two-down’ (noun) – a pre-op transsexual!
‘Windbreak’ (noun) – a few days respite from the Atkins diet.
‘Liposuction’ (noun) – costly technique allowing cosmetic surgeons to live off the ‘fat’ of the land.
‘Hibernation’ (verb) – nature’s way of avoiding Christmas television!
‘Blondes’ (noun) – a dyeing breed!
‘Canapé’ (verb) – a complaint from a penniless Scotsman.
 ‘Carrot and stick’ (noun) – a supermodel and her lunch! (Or should that be vice versa?)

Be seeing You!

.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

The Rob Gotobed Healthbuster Column!!

In the week it was announced that drinking hot tea gives you throat haemorrhoids, spending time on Facebook raises the risk of serious health problems, and just one glass of wine a day can increase the risk of male impotency by 175%, we are pleased to introduce The Rob Gotobed Healthbuster column!!

Yes, Dr Gotobed author of the best selling book: ‘Salt - It Knows Where You Live!!’ has been leading the way in scaring people since 1973!

Although Rob cannot enter into individual correspondence, as this is associated with bothering to write back, and having to find a pen! He is willing to answer your questions via this column, and as he says: “If, by the end, I haven’t squeezed all the pleasure out of your life then I haven’t done my job properly!!”

All of Dr Gotobed’s replies are backed up by scientific-sounding evidence of the kind that doesn’t bear close scrutiny. “You can be sure of that!” confirmed Dr Rob Gotobed who would also like to make it clear that he did not buy his doctorate even though it cost him $7799 via a correspondence course he actually never completed.

He also added, ‘that living for a long time can lead to old age’ and ‘that flower arranging can cause your ankles to go missing!’

Anyway we are sure you will find the following Dr Rob Gotobed Handy Health Tips’ invaluable…

1. If you feel a build-up of cholesterol then blow into your handkerchief!

2. Just because you have a desk job it doesn’t mean you have to be sedentary – put the desk on your back and take it out to lunch.

3. If we are what we eat and you’re a squirrel, it’s time to face up to it – you’re nuts!!

4. Marijuana should not count as one of your five-a-day vegetables.

5. Joining a health club is always a step in the right direction, but would it kill you to just eat less pizza?

6. Always look away when you see a cute kitten playing with wool!!

Be seeing you

Dr Rob Gotobed

**This blog was sponsored by Dr Rob Gotobed’s Healthbusters – 'We're ready to scare you!!'

.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

The Rob Gotobed Driving Test

I was always told on my driving test that if an animal steps out in front of my car, I should always run it over, as swerving could potentially be dangerous to other road users.

On my driving test, a cow stepped out in front of my car.

As I went past him, I looked in my rear view mirror. The cow was fine - I had missed him by millimetres.

Now, obviously, I didn't want to fail my test - so I slapped it in reverse and went after him!

I must have been chasing that f*cking cow through that field for twenty minutes before I finally hit him!!

And my driving examiner still failed me!


And now …. An Apoolgee 
In larst weak’s edishn off mee plog, i acx… acks… accidently mis-pwelled the word ‘publically’. It shud, of corse, have redd ‘publickly’. Evryone heer is absolutally devastaited. How cud i mak sutch an obvyus cok-upp?

Orl i can sa is ‘sory’.

Luv.

Knob Goodinbed!!


Bee singing ewe!

.

Monday, 20 May 2013

Is there Sex After Death?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"



Wait for it.. .



"No......... ..I'm a rabbit in Arizona!!


Be seeing you!!

.

Monday, 13 May 2013

The Restaurant Sketch!!

A man is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .



Wait for it. .



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?



She says :



'You just happened to catch my eye!!' 


Be seeing YOU!!

.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

A VERY INDECENT BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

Johnny wanted to have sex with Sophia in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me make love to you. But the girl said 'NO'.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!!!'

MANAGEMENT LESSON:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it, and running into the risk of getting screwed!

Be seeing you!
.

Monday, 29 April 2013

Gotobed & Knight Brokers Inc. Shareholders Annual Report.

Dear Shareholders

In these troubled times we understand that some of you, and we emphasise only some, Cousin Wilf has no complaints, have expressed anxiety about the performance of the Companies in which we, as experts, invest on your behalf.

This anxiety was exasperated, many of you feel, by Rob Gotobed in a recent interview with The Financial Times, where he compared the current 'Gotobed & Knight' business strategy to his driving a car.

"Being men, we are unwilling to pull over in our cars and ask someone for directions, because this would imply they are somehow more cleverer than us. And obviously they're not, because we're toasty warm in flash cars and they’re mooching around on foot." Many of you feel that this is not the attitude that your directors should be expressing.

First, we would like to point out that we have never been slow to admit our mistakes. Only last week we issued a public apology for the over-enthusiasm of our forefathers at the time of the south sea Bubble in 1720.

We promised to repay every surviving investor the money he had lost - a pledge we are proud to report was fulfilled immediately.

That venture was the first, but to critics we would emphasise by no means the least successful, of our enterprises.

Now about Umbrellas (Sahara) Limited, they folded. As did, through no fault of ours, the Escort Agency and Punk Rock group formed by the monks of Buckfast Abbey.

Also, we have very little to say about our involvement in the Lindsay Lohan School of Culture and the President Bush Course in a Wider Vocabulary.

It would be wrong to dwell only on our failures when we haven’t had a single triumph.

But, other failures have been an expensive, but wholly patriotic attempt to colonise LA, and the unfortunate collapse of State Secrets Limited, which made the mistake of selling its products in department stores across the USA.

All this should, we think, reassure you that we have your interests very much at heart.

For ourselves we are taking a longish vacation in a sheltered spot called Leavenworth Penitentiary in Kansas, but keep buying.

Be seeing you! (Hopefully)

PS: Gotobed & Knight are a lost cause and we're proud of it!!
.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Are You Capable Of Bestiality?

Important Public Information Service: Rob Gotobed is open-minded about anyone’s sexual proclivities – except for those who are into autoerotic asphyxiation! He believes they need stringing up!!

But is there a beast in all men, and if so how many are capable of bestiality?

Rob Gotobed provides a probing 30-second questionnaire.

1. Which of these three cuts of steak do you prefer?
a. Sirloin?
b. Fillet?
c. Rump??

2. If you were asked to draw a picture of a horse, would you draw…
a. A front view of a horse?
b. A side view of a horse?
c. A rear view of a horse??

3. On going to bed at night do you…
a. Lie facing your girlfriend?
b. Lie facing away from your girlfriend?
c. Lie facing a restless night thinking about animals’ buttocks??

4. You are driving through the jungle but find your way blocked by a giraffe, which is bogged down in several inches of mud, although still upright. You have with you a length of rope and a 36-gallon barrel of beer. Do you….
a. Tie one end of the rope round the giraffe’s neck, the other to your bumper bar, and try to pull the giraffe out of the mud?
b. Drink the 36-gallon barrel of beer in the hope that by the time you’ve finished it the giraffe will have managed to free itself?
c. Stand on the barrel and have the giraffe??

And finally this week, it’s time for Rob Gotobed’s, ‘World of the Unexplained?’- ‘Chappaqquidick?’ – Will we ever know the true spelling?

Be seeing you!!

PS: This update was sponsored by Gotobed’s Fast Food Outlets – ‘Where two burgers are cheaper than three!!’

.

Monday, 15 April 2013

The Dieters Guide To Weight Loss During Sex!!

A guide to the amount of calories burned up during various sexual activities!!

We surveyed over 320,000,000 people from various parts of Ohio and received the following results:

1 hour of intensive foreplay = 1 slice (large) of chocolate cake.

26.5 minutes of non-stop lovemaking = 2 slices of pizza with extra cheese & mushrooms.

58 minutes of kissing partner = 1 cheeseburger with 14.23 French fries.

58 minutes of kissing yourself (known in the business as the 'Gotobed' Technique) = 1 Christmas turkey with all the trimmings!!

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE = CALORIES BURNED
If you are shy = 15 calories
If you are anxious = 45 calories
If you beg = 286 calories

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION = CALORIES BURNED
Blowing in partner's ear = 15
Blowing in your own ear = 2512

REMOVING CLOTHES = CALORIES BURNED
With partner's consent = 12
Without partner's consent = 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet = 418

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on = 10
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex = 333

AFFLICTIONS
Leg cramp = 36
Sneezing during intercourse = 17
Sneezing during orgasm = 655
Calling partner by wrong name = 56

POSITIONS
The Italian: man on top, woman on the bottom = 26
The British: facing each other, but in different beds = 48
The Polish: woman on top, man in hiding = 15
The American: both on top = 1236

And finally we have the exclusive Rob Gotobed Orgasmic Intensity Scale:
Earth moved = 34
If earth actually moves = 1,246,864
Man's socks flew off = 84
Room turned purple = 96
Man's face turned purple = 666

Be seeing you!!

.

Monday, 8 April 2013

The Top 10 Things You’ll Never Read On Facebook!

1. You have been poked by Britney Spears.

2. Paris Hilton has tagged you in a video.

3. Harry Potter is in Miami.

4. The Pope has got a new girlfriend.

5. Adolph Hitler and Saddam Hussein have updated their status.

6. Banksy and Picasso have written on your wall.

7. Brad Pitt has changed his relationship status to 'Phew!'.

8. Can you confirm these details: We met randomly and had an amazing one-night stand?

9. Can you confirm these details: We worked together smuggling drugs out of Thailand?

10. Robert Mugabe has joined the group 'I bet I can find another 10,000,000 people to vote for me in a Zimbabwe general election!!'

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

President Bill Clinton’s 5 Point Plan For Safer Airline Security!!

Hi I’m Bill Clinton!

Thanks for joining me for my 5 Point Plan For Safer Airline Security.

Firstly, dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place...

Secondly, replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

3. The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, happy to see naked women!!

4. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money! I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

5. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

PS: Don't tell Hillary you've seen this memo!!

.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss
would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me
to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who just happens to be a blonde) asked me what the heck was I doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss
might think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked,
"What in the name of the good God are you doing Gotobed?"

I told him I was a light bulb!!

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate
for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her,
"And where do you think you're going?"

(You're gonna LOVE this answer...) 

She said..."I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!!"


Be seeing you!!
.

Monday, 18 March 2013

American Bald Eagle On American Idol!!

Of course, it used to be that everyone loved watching ‘Nature’ programmes. Yet I have to say I am deeply, deeply concerned about the recent round of ‘Nature’ programmes being transmitted via the Worldwide Web.

Indeed, in the light of Britain’s Got Talent and Susan Boyle’s continuous mental health problems, have any lessons been learned at all?

In their defence, the BBC, NBC & CNN will argue that, every summer, they are deluged with wildlife wanting to be on their programmes.

As a NBC spokesman says, “One year, we had to put up a sign saying: ‘No more buffalo please!!’ There were a lot of disappointed buffalo that year, but it is a measure of how successful our wildlife ‘Reality’ programmes have become and how willing most wildlife are to participate.”

Is this any excuse? Where does entertainment end and wildlife exploitation begin? Indeed as an American Bald Eagle who appeared on the show last year told us:

"You do get to like being in front of the cameras and all the attention from the public it brings. Then one day, the cameras are gone, the designer gifts and Oscar invites dry up and you’re just another no-mark American Bald Eagle.”

"Even my chicks fledged on the actual programme. Just left, they did without a single backward glance, which has to be hard on any father but to go through it ‘live’ on the worldwide web - only added to my distress.”

And did any of the major networks offer any counselling?

“Did they f***!” I was used and then dumped. I didn’t end up in The Priory but I did have to go to a sanctuary for several weeks at my own expense.”

"I feel very bitter about my whole experience and would warn any animal against appearing on a show like ‘Britain’s Got Wildlife’, and I include the meerkats, even though they are absolutely gagging for it!!”

Be seeing you!!

.

Monday, 4 March 2013

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God...

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me.... The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Be seeing you!!

.

Monday, 4 February 2013

The Love Boat Romance!!


The Love Boat Romance!!

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

Every date seemed better than the last..

On the one-month anniversary of their first date, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant and said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage”.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a "Hooker!!"

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought about the seriousness of where this relationship could go.

Then Ed spoke, "You know, Dorothy, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Be seeing you!!

PS: Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often!!






Monday, 21 January 2013

The One Night Stand!!


The One Night Stand!!

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear…

"That's me before the surgery!!" 


Be seeing you!!

PS: Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often!!

.