Monday, 28 November 2016

Rob Gotobed A Pre-Christmas Apology.

Over the past twelve months I have posted some inappropriate blogs and tweets to readers who I thought shared the same sense of humour..

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow..

If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Looking to 2017 and onward, I will only post blogs and tweets with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Charles Bridge in Prague. It is the oldest bridge in Prague and took forty years to build. It was completed in 1404..
















Thursday, 27 October 2016

The Halloween Special October 2016

This year we are proud to present a Halloween Special entitled, ‘Stranger than truth - The curse of the Vampire Scrotums!’

Rob Gotobed says:

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is how far is it from my home and how late does it stay open?


How many of us have not, at one time or another, felt an ice-cold scrotum on the back of our head while we were home alone? (Not me, thank God, but some have - in fact, my girlfriend has many a time.)

But what is behind these experiences? Or in front of them, for that matter?

Also, after death is it still possible to take showers? And if so, do ghosts have ray-guns?

Fortunately, these questions about psychic phenomena are answered in my soon to be published book, ‘Boo To You!’ In which I have assembled a remarkable history of supernatural incidents such as the bizarre experience of two brothers on opposite parts of the globe, one of whom took a bath while the other suddenly got clean.


What follows is but a sampling…”

First up: The Nun’s Story….
 “Hello! I’m a genuine nun. I recently got more than I bargained for when I complained about the standard of food hygiene at my local Wal-Mart. Unfortunately for me, the Manager of the food department, a Mr Scrotum, is the nephew of the local Witchdoctor.

Mr Scrotum then asked his uncle to put an evil ‘scrotum’ on me, invoking the deadly brand of local voodoo known as ‘scrotumnoysis!!’ As a result of this evil curse, I suddenly began to take on many of the characteristics more often associated with trees, growing a strange bark around my body and growing branches and leaves out of my head. A visit to an ex-nun friend of mine, who also practices as a witchdoctor, failed to secure an antidote - but I am hopeful of shedding some leaves during the Fall.”

Next up John’s story…
“Hi!! My name is John. I recently got more than I bargained for when I stayed at the Rob Gotobed Hotel in London. I used one of the hotel’s disposable scrotums to go in the shower, but then suddenly, minutes later, I developed a terrible green rash,  - like the one you get from too much masturbation, - and now no-one likes to sit beside me on the bus. It’s not my fault! The green fungus is so bad it spreads onto chairs and carpets. Some of it even spread onto my cooker and got into my food”.

Also in the book, Rob Gotobed explains why he believes the spirit world is more advanced than ours by approximately fifteen minutes, and why ghosts ‘hovering’ may be a socially acceptable mode of relating in the spirit world.

As Rob says, ‘hovering’ may indeed be very pleasurable. I myself once hovered over an eighteen-year-old actress for six hours and had the best time of my life!! This has not affected me in anyway, although I can no longer converse with my girlfriend without the use of a hand puppet.”

*** This update was dictated by Gizmo the hand puppet.


Next week on ‘Stranger than Truth – When Book Shelves attack.’

PS: I was going to go as ‘The G Spot’ for tonight’s Halloween party but I can't find my costume.
Be seeing yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Friday, 7 October 2016

The Crazy Halloween Mortuary 2016 Joke!

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black and white suit.


The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black & white suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician her credit card and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, “There's no charge!”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma'am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing!

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black & white suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

'So…


 I just switched the heads!!'

                                       (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!) 



Be seeing You!
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Monday, 12 September 2016

Dining Alone In A Fancy Restaurant.


Last week I was dining alone in a fancy restaurant, (the Alain Ducasse at The Dorchester if you want me to be specific!) and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. I admit I’d been checking her out since I sat down, but I just lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward me. I reflexively reach out, grab it out of the air, and hand it back to her.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

We then enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards we went to the theatre followed by drinks at a lovely West End cocktail bar.


We talked, we laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and I shared mine.

Then after paying for everything, she asks me if I would like to go with her to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast!


Well, I don’t mind admitting, it took me all of two nanoseconds to reluctantly agree to and we had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked me a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The whole experience was just amazing! Everything had been just SO incredible!!

‘You know,' I said, ‘you are the perfect woman!’ Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it……….




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?




She says :



'You just happened to catch my eye!!' 



DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IT! - Be seeing YOU!!

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Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Home Depot Sex Scam.


PLEASE BE WARNED!

Over the last month my girlfriend has become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into her local Home Depot for a bit of home improvement shopping has turned out to be quite an experience.


                                      Rob Gotobed’s girlfriend shopping at Home Depot.

- Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your girlfriend.



Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old males come over to your girlfriend’s car as she is packing her shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning her windscreen, their six-packs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When she thanks them and offers them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask her for a lift to another store, in her case, Kroger’s.


She agrees and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely NAKED!




Then, when your girlfriend pulls over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over her lap, kissing her, touching her intimately, and thrusting himself against her, while the other one steals her handbag.



My girlfriend has had her handbag stolen on May 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 25th!

On June 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, and twice this morning!

So please, PLEASE warn all the women you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

According to my girlfriend these guys seem to be particularly active just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon!

P.S. My girlfriend informs me that Walgreens have cheap handbags on sale for $14.99 each but Old Navy have some for $15.75 and they look better! – But I don’t understand why that’s relevant.




Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Rob Gotobed In Katy Perry Stalking Shock!

The tabloids are afire this week with the stunning news that Katy Perry, the feisty threesome who was plucked from obscurity and transformed into one of America’s most successful all-girl bands (the biggest since Destiny's Child, The Supremes and One Direction) has been accused of stalking Rob Gotobed of Gotobed and Knight fame.

The stunning allegations, which have stunned the entertainment world, were made after what appears to be a string of “mysterious circumstances” surrounding Mr. Gotobed, known around the world for his huge talent, huge stardom and Hugh Jackman!
“I have been in hiding for the last six weeks” Mr. Gotobed told me from his concrete bunker at a secret location at 23 Hitler Street, Scunthorpe. “It has been a nightmare. Just because I am in the public eye, it doesn’t mean my life is up for any old Tom, Dick or Deborah Harry to hound my every move.”
The whole sorry tale started in September 2015, when Mr. Gotobed returned home to find his garbage had been knocked over, in a seemingly random attack by Katy Perry.
“That is typical of Katy,” he confided. “She is well known for being above the rules, not needing any good advice, not caring what the neighbours say. She has absolutely no regard. I am stunned.”
Mr. Gotobed claims the attacks have become more intensified since his rendition of ‘Firework’ at a Tokyo karaoke bar. His windows were egged on a regular basis, and his suspicions immediately fell upon the urban-guerrilla Katy Perry.
“I know Katy is not probably known for this kind of mindless vandalism but she is easily egged on – and so is my house!”.
Mr. Gotobed, resplendent in matching feather boa and Y-fronts, just wishes to be left alone by the terrible teenybopper.
“I blame Emma Watson. She is the brains of the operation and I just know whenever I see one of her intimidating films that she is thinking of all kinds of wicked, wicked things to do to me.”
When questioned further about Emma Watson, Mr. Gotobed shuddered and told us of waking up one morning and being stunned to find Clarins Joli Rouge lipstick daubed on his front door. This, he tells us, is her calling card.
Both Katy Perry and Emma Watson’s management have stunningly refused to comment on the accusations, and Mr. Gotobed is living in fear for his life.
BREAKING NEWS: Katy Perry and Emma Watson are actually doing community service in Scunthorpe* - after a complaint was received about them kicking a football against a pensioner’s bungalow in the early hours - both still refuse to apologise to Mr. Gotobed, and if asked by anyone will actually deny all knowledge of their reign of terror.

Report By Izzy Ferrari   14th April 2015

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Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Lady Gaga’s® Crazy Fish Tank Emporiums are now open!


Yes, Lady Gaga is proud to announce that her new ‘Crazy Fish Tank Emporiums’ are open for business.

Gaga’s® offers:

*The world’s zaniest Fish Tank experience*

*Kids love it*

*Gaga’s® specialises in parties*

No fuss; just Fish Tanks – “Is there anything else? No, just Fish Tanks!

“Is that fish in military tanks?” No you Tosser, it’s just fish swimming around in Fish Tanks.


               The Lady Gaga Fish welcomes all our guests personally.

New for 2016:

Why buy an expensive fish tank, when you can hire one for half the price? Gaga’s® hire service is open 24 hours a day, and our fish tanks can be hired for as little as two minutes or as long as two hundred years!

Our tinted black windows are great for ugly fish, and our bullet-proof glass can withstand up to fifty bullets.

What’s that you say, do we have Nostalgic Fish Tanks? 

Yes, fish tanks that remind you of a gentler age, including Victorian wooden fish tanks a speciality. (Warning: Our Victorian wooden fish tanks are non-transparent!) 

How do we do it? Gaga’s crazy that’s how! 

Would you like a fish tank for a dollar? What about three and half fish tanks for $5? Or, what about eight fish tanks for 5 cents? 

How do we stay in business? 

Don’t you worry about that, Lady Gaga will worry about that coz that’s her lookout!


                                     Lady Gaga’s® Executive Fish Tanks.

So, why not come around and ask for me, Mental Rob Gotobed! Or for one of my assistants, Mental Donald Trump or Mental Paris Hilton? We’re all mental, and we’re ready to serve you!!

Public Notice: Last week’s ‘Lucky Number’ was Fish Tank Number 78!

“The world of fish tanks is now a lot safer than it was when I first became President. Advances in fish tank technology by Lady Gaga has revolutionised the industry.” Barack Obama, The Whitehouse, May 2016.



          All Tropical Fish locally sourced by Rob Gotobed himself.

Please note: All Gaga’s® staff are guaranteed to sexually harass you!