Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Home Depot Sex Scam.


PLEASE BE WARNED!

Over the last month my girlfriend has become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into her local Home Depot for a bit of home improvement shopping has turned out to be quite an experience.


                                      Rob Gotobed’s girlfriend shopping at Home Depot.

- Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your girlfriend.



Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old males come over to your girlfriend’s car as she is packing her shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning her windscreen, their six-packs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When she thanks them and offers them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask her for a lift to another store, in her case, Kroger’s.


She agrees and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely NAKED!




Then, when your girlfriend pulls over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over her lap, kissing her, touching her intimately, and thrusting himself against her, while the other one steals her handbag.



My girlfriend has had her handbag stolen on May 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 25th!

On June 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, and twice this morning!

So please, PLEASE warn all the women you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

According to my girlfriend these guys seem to be particularly active just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon!

P.S. My girlfriend informs me that Walgreens have cheap handbags on sale for $14.99 each but Old Navy have some for $15.75 and they look better! – But I don’t understand why that’s relevant.




Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Rob Gotobed In Katy Perry Stalking Shock!

The tabloids are afire this week with the stunning news that Katy Perry, the feisty threesome who was plucked from obscurity and transformed into one of America’s most successful all-girl bands (the biggest since Destiny's Child, The Supremes and One Direction) has been accused of stalking Rob Gotobed of Gotobed and Knight fame.

The stunning allegations, which have stunned the entertainment world, were made after what appears to be a string of “mysterious circumstances” surrounding Mr. Gotobed, known around the world for his huge talent, huge stardom and Hugh Jackman!
“I have been in hiding for the last six weeks” Mr. Gotobed told me from his concrete bunker at a secret location at 23 Hitler Street, Scunthorpe. “It has been a nightmare. Just because I am in the public eye, it doesn’t mean my life is up for any old Tom, Dick or Deborah Harry to hound my every move.”
The whole sorry tale started in September 2015, when Mr. Gotobed returned home to find his garbage had been knocked over, in a seemingly random attack by Katy Perry.
“That is typical of Katy,” he confided. “She is well known for being above the rules, not needing any good advice, not caring what the neighbours say. She has absolutely no regard. I am stunned.”
Mr. Gotobed claims the attacks have become more intensified since his rendition of ‘Firework’ at a Tokyo karaoke bar. His windows were egged on a regular basis, and his suspicions immediately fell upon the urban-guerrilla Katy Perry.
“I know Katy is not probably known for this kind of mindless vandalism but she is easily egged on – and so is my house!”.
Mr. Gotobed, resplendent in matching feather boa and Y-fronts, just wishes to be left alone by the terrible teenybopper.
“I blame Emma Watson. She is the brains of the operation and I just know whenever I see one of her intimidating films that she is thinking of all kinds of wicked, wicked things to do to me.”
When questioned further about Emma Watson, Mr. Gotobed shuddered and told us of waking up one morning and being stunned to find Clarins Joli Rouge lipstick daubed on his front door. This, he tells us, is her calling card.
Both Katy Perry and Emma Watson’s management have stunningly refused to comment on the accusations, and Mr. Gotobed is living in fear for his life.
BREAKING NEWS: Katy Perry and Emma Watson are actually doing community service in Scunthorpe* - after a complaint was received about them kicking a football against a pensioner’s bungalow in the early hours - both still refuse to apologise to Mr. Gotobed, and if asked by anyone will actually deny all knowledge of their reign of terror.

Report By Izzy Ferrari   14th April 2015

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Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Lady Gaga’s® Crazy Fish Tank Emporiums are now open!


Yes, Lady Gaga is proud to announce that her new ‘Crazy Fish Tank Emporiums’ are open for business.

Gaga’s® offers:

*The world’s zaniest Fish Tank experience*

*Kids love it*

*Gaga’s® specialises in parties*

No fuss; just Fish Tanks – “Is there anything else? No, just Fish Tanks!

“Is that fish in military tanks?” No you Tosser, it’s just fish swimming around in Fish Tanks.


               The Lady Gaga Fish welcomes all our guests personally.

New for 2016:

Why buy an expensive fish tank, when you can hire one for half the price? Gaga’s® hire service is open 24 hours a day, and our fish tanks can be hired for as little as two minutes or as long as two hundred years!

Our tinted black windows are great for ugly fish, and our bullet-proof glass can withstand up to fifty bullets.

What’s that you say, do we have Nostalgic Fish Tanks? 

Yes, fish tanks that remind you of a gentler age, including Victorian wooden fish tanks a speciality. (Warning: Our Victorian wooden fish tanks are non-transparent!) 

How do we do it? Gaga’s crazy that’s how! 

Would you like a fish tank for a dollar? What about three and half fish tanks for $5? Or, what about eight fish tanks for 5 cents? 

How do we stay in business? 

Don’t you worry about that, Lady Gaga will worry about that coz that’s her lookout!


                                     Lady Gaga’s® Executive Fish Tanks.

So, why not come around and ask for me, Mental Rob Gotobed! Or for one of my assistants, Mental Donald Trump or Mental Paris Hilton? We’re all mental, and we’re ready to serve you!!

Public Notice: Last week’s ‘Lucky Number’ was Fish Tank Number 78!

“The world of fish tanks is now a lot safer than it was when I first became President. Advances in fish tank technology by Lady Gaga has revolutionised the industry.” Barack Obama, The Whitehouse, May 2016.



          All Tropical Fish locally sourced by Rob Gotobed himself.

Please note: All Gaga’s® staff are guaranteed to sexually harass you! 


Thursday, 7 April 2016

Rob Gotobed: Another 23 Things You Never Knew!

1. Rob Gotobed is not the Rob Gotobed mentioned in the bible.

2. Every night Rob goes to sleep with both middle fingers sticking up! - Just in case a burglar breaks in during the night.

3. Rob Gotobed thought he once heard a Harley-Davidson approaching but it turned out to be 600 bees riding a regular bicycle.

4. Rob calls his girlfriend’s boobs "Simon & Garfunkel" because they're both different and one is slightly smaller and weirder than the other one.

5. Rob’s hobby of recreating aerial dogfights is really expensive. He says you’re looking at between 80-90 helium filled balloons just to lift one dog.

6. Rob once went into a bank, pulled out a gun, and shouted "Everybody be cool!" ….And then handed out sunglasses and baseball caps.

7. Rob was once shot at by a bank security guard just for pulling out a hairdryer and trying to fix a teller’s hair.
                        Yes Mr Gotobed I think I can reach that pound coin you dropped.


8. On one occasion Rob successfully breastfed an injured giraffe back to health.

9. Rob was going to go as ‘The G Spot’ to a Halloween party last year but he couldn’t find the costume.

10. To make his pectoral muscles, Madame Tussauds Waxworks in London had to melt down both Justin Bieber AND Arnold Schwarzenegger.

11. Rob thinks there's no nicer feeling than urinating into a bottle. But other times he hates his part-time job at the brewery.

12. Rob once showed his tattoo of his grandmother to his other grandmother. …..To be honest, it didn’t go well.

13. Rob Gotobed once had an affair with Iron Man's mother.

14. Rob actually believes that it was Zorro who put the mark on Harry Potter's forehead.


Recently Rob's Stand Up hasn't been going too well. So he's experimenting by going in a different direction.

15. Rob’s favourite word that he’s never actually used is kerfufflepuff.

16. In 2014, he claimed to buy toilet tissue by the grit rating.

17. In 2015, he claimed it was ‘he’ who took the bite out of the Apple logo.

18. In 2016, his penis exploded during a live television debate.

19. Many men are intimidated by beautiful women who shoot bolts of lightning from their breasts. Not Rob! He draws them all the time.

20. Some ancient South American tribes believe that if Rob Gotobed should remove his underpants the world will come to an end.

21. In time of war it is against the Geneva convention to have SEX with Rob Gotobed.

22. To this day, Rob still won't reveal which Muppet he dated for seven months in 2012. Our money is on Beaker.


     Rob's favourite pet bee 'Buzzy' is still missing. If you see him please get in contact with us.

23. Rob Gotobed is not interested in publicity.

NB. All facts were correct at time of going to press.

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Wednesday, 2 March 2016

The History of Rob Gotobed (Abridged).

An article of hardly any historical interest as dictated by Robert ‘Isosceles-Triangle’ Gotobed.

On January 21st 2004 the Rob Gotobed story began at Paddington Station, London, England, where Rob Gotobed and Ricky Gervais accidentally bumped into each other.

Rob invited Ricky to help him stand up. Ricky, merely an amateur drinker, agreed and on that very spot, a legend could have been created.

     Rob Gotobed's great-grandfather being randomly selected to be the next King of England.

Instead, Rob gained Shaggy Epstein as a manager. So unimpressed was he with Gotobed’s style of comedy that he immediately sent him to Berlin. Thinking that Berlin was just outside London, Rob accepted.

On his return ’Shaggy’ put Gotobed into the studio. His first comedy album ‘What the hell just happened?’ took 12 minutes to record. The second, ‘Why is there hair?’ took even longer.

In 2006 ‘Gotobedmania’ hit England. It seemed that Rob could do no wrong. A string of comedy hit singles followed, including ‘Shag Me Do‘ and ‘Baby, Don’t You Be Ovulating Tonight Coz I’m In The Mood For Love’, which brought unprecedented scenes of mass ovulation all over the United Kingdom.

At one point Rob had nineteen out of the top twenty jokes in England, even the Queen was a fan, by that we mean Boy George, not the one at Buckingham Palace.

                               Rob Gotobed's identical twin brother with the real Pokémon.

In 2007 the ‘Fab One’ made the all-important breakthrough in America. 10,000 screaming fans were at Kennedy Airport to greet him. Unfortunately, Gotobed arrived at La Guardia.

He was due to be a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno but as a security precaution he arrived by helicopter a day early. This enabled him to be safely in and out of the studio before the audience arrived and the show was recorded.

It was a brilliant public relations coup. The audience were shouting and screaming so hard that the millions watching at home never even noticed that ‘Gotobed’ didn’t even appear on the show. Jay Leno described it as the most exciting two minutes of his life.

But, in the fall of 2007 the ‘Fab one’ faced the biggest threat to his career. Gotobed in a widely quoted interview had apparently claimed that he was now bigger than God, and was reported to have gone on to say that God hadn’t told a good joke in years.

The story spread like wildfire in America. Many fans burnt his comedy albums, although many more burnt their fingers attempting to burn his albums. Gotobed album sales skyrocketed. People were buying his cds just to try to burn them.

But in fact it was all a ghastly mistake. Gotobed, talking to a slightly deaf journalist, had claimed only that he was funnier than President Bush.

At a press conference Rob apologised to God, Michael Moore, and the press, and so his world tour of 2008 went ahead as planned – but it would be his last.

                                Once again Rob Gotobed pleads innocence to deaf ears!

In 2009, Rob Gotobed faced an even bigger threat to his career when Will Ferrell introduced him to ‘Twinkies’.

Gotobed enjoyed the pleasant effects of its creamy fillings, despite warnings that it would lead to stronger things, and it enormously influenced his greatest comedy album, ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’.

With such standout tracks as, ‘Judy on Sky with Johnny Carson’, ‘Andy Kaufman’s Leaving Home’, ‘With a Little Help from Dan Aykroyd’, ‘Lovely Gilda Radner’, ‘Being For The Benefit of John Belushi’ and of course ‘A Day with Adam Sandler’s Wife’.

The release of this album – a millstone in comedy history, contributed greatly to an idyllic summer of bells, flowers and Twinkies. But it was not to last. Under questioning Rob refused to lie to the British Press and admitted not only eating and enjoying Twinkies, but ‘3 Musketeer Bars’ as well, especially the ones with peanut butter.

And so, while Gotobed sat seeking spiritual enlightenment from Twinkies - fate dealt him an appalling blow. For it was now he learned the shocking news of the loss of his manager Shaggy Epstein.

Tired and despondent and unable to raise any friends over the weekend, Shaggy had gone home, and, tragically - accepted a job with Wal-Mart.

But, the news was not entirely unexpected. Shaggy’s recent behaviour had been giving grounds for concern.

He had been investing heavily in South American bullfighters and NFL American Quarterbacks, and in California he had been arrested for giving the kiss of life to a rubber duck. But he had for many years held Rob Gotobed together – often forcibly. Now he was gone – it was the beginning of the end.

In amidst all this controversy Gotobed released his ‘I’ve Arrived! (And To Prove It I’m Here)’ Album, now famously known worldwide as the ‘Beige Album’.

                                  The cover for Rob Gotobed's 'Why is there hair?' album.

Ambitious in its nature, it has gone down in history as the first comedy album to contain no jokes, in fact the album consists of two sides of silence apart from a very large belch 0.02 seconds from the end of the record.

Meanwhile, Rob had hidden from the public so much that in 2009 a rumour went around that he was dead. He was supposed to have been killed in a flash fire at a waterbed factory and replaced by a wax replica of Justin Bieber from Madam Tussauds.

Several so-called ‘facts’ helped the emergence of this rumour. Firstly, on the cover of his latest album he was wearing no socks, an old Irish custom of indicating death. Secondly, Rob says ‘I am dead’ when you repeatedly play the last track on his Sgt Gota album backwards – in fact he says “E burres Gotobediano!! Which is very bad Spanish for “Have you a water buffalo?”

Thirdly, on the posters for The Gotobed World Tour of 2008, Gotobed is leaning in the exact position of a dying Yeti! (From The Gotobed Book of the Dead). And finally, if you say the title of ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’ backwards, it is supposed to sound like ‘Gotobed has been dead for ages honest.’ In fact it sounds uncannily like “Wohs thgil eikniwt bulc strad ylenol satog tnaegres”.

Gotobed was, of course, far from dead. Although not far from Scunthorpe. He had fallen into bed with a large-breasted, German Fraulein called Heidi whose father had invented the sauerkraut sausage simulator.

Gotobed then spent a year in bed as a tax dodge. Paul McCartney believes he must have received appalling financial advice.

When he finally got up to answer the telephone Apple Gotobed Corps was in a perilous financial state.

In the midst of all this Gotobed released ‘Shit Happens’ as a film, an album, and a lawsuit. The documentary showed Rob Gotobed as never before – tired, unhappy, cross, and just like the rest of the world. Gone forever was the image of the happy 'Brazilian-bushed' youngster who had set the world a-laughing.

Then, finally in December 2009 Rob accidentally sued himself, three times.

I asked Adam Sandler, ‘why do you think Rob Gotobed broke up?’
He said, “Women. Just women getting in the way. Cherchez la femme you know.” So then I asked Adam ‘Do you think he’ll ever get back together again?’ He replied, “I hope not!!”

But then in mid 2010 from the ashes via Twitter Rob Gotobed reformed and once again started from rock bottom to create the most spectacular comedy the world would never want to see.....

The End.

PS: The Rob Gotobed Archaeology Cds 1,2 & 14 featuring jokes with different punch lines, (and some even with no punch lines at all), outtakes, and the almost legendary lost comedy album, ‘Smile You’re at Shabby Road Studio’ is still available for export on the Apple Tart LP: PCS #7088.

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Monday, 1 February 2016

BREAKING NEWS: An Exclusive Interview With Rob Gotobed!

I was two hours and forty three seconds late for my meeting with Rob Gotobed.

I had made arrangements with Irma Bunt, the ex-villainess from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, who is now employed as RG’s personal secretary, to meet with Rob in his elegant London apartment, but I hadn’t banked on the over zealous bodyguards that awaited me.

I experienced a measure of difficulty before I was actually allowed onto the doorstep. The officer in charge of the squad holding the crowds of young girls at bay refused to believe that I was there on business, and it was only when Irma phoned down from the penthouse to confirm that I had an appointment with Rob that I was allowed in.

After the dust and heat of the street, the front-hall was a haven of peace and tranquillity. As my eyes became accustomed to the gloom I saw some of the trappings with which a fantastically successful Comedian surrounds himself. In a corner of the vast hall was a German Panzer tank, on which generations of fans had scrawled their protestations of unfailing devotion in a bewildering variety of cheap lipsticks.

On the wall was a range of fine paintings. I recognised an early Justin Bieber, two de Paris Hilton’s and at least five efforts in crayon by Britney Spears. There was also a full-sized map of Disneyworld and several posters advertising Rob’s sensational gigs in places as far apart as the top of Shaftsbury Avenue and the bottom of Shaftsbury Avenue.

         An Exclusive picture of the only chair Rob Gotobed sits in while using the internet.

I was allowed to linger in this unattractive environmental disaster for eighteen hours - unfortunately Rob does not believe in chairs and there were none in sight - before Irma, a stunningly unattractive ex-Smersh Assassin with a Russian styled coiffure and a tartan sari of fetching ugliness, came down to tell me that I could now go down into the kitchen and fix the refrigerator.

I explained that I had been sent by The Los Angeles Times to interview Rob and to discover his feelings on the seventies craze of Cabbage Patch dolls. She laughed in a sinister way and disappeared upstairs again.

Forty two minutes later she reappeared as ugly as ever, and told me that Monsieur Gotobed would see me now. The elevator did not seem to be working, so Irma and I walked the thirty-eight floors up to Rob’s private suite.
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In between gasps I asked her what it was like to work for such a fabulous personality. Was it true, I wanted to know, that he was making a NEW comedy film based on the components of the Internal combustion Engine? Had he, I wondered, really severed his relationship with the glamorous starlet Lindsay Lohan - who reacted to Rob breaking off their passionate love affair by turning to lesbianism. Irma passed me a water melon from a bowl on the staircase but made no answer.

From time to time as we climbed I saw the shadowy and scantily dressed figures of twenty-something young girls of all hues and nationalities flitting in and, indeed, out of such rooms as the library, with its unique collection of rare illuminated medieval comedy scripts, the billiard room, with its teak-panelled sauna and massage chamber for the exhausted billiardier, the jester’s gallery, with an extensive replica of the Paris Metro system, and the private zoo, in which Rob keeps the three white panthers he takes with him whenever he tours the comedy clubs of North America.

                                       An Exclusive picture of Rob Gotobed's office..

Eventually Irma and I reached the great man’s lair and were ushered in by the two dusky Albino dwarves, who come, I believe, from Texas.

Rob was already up when I walked into the room, (a problem Rob regularly suffers from first thing in the morning) and one of the girls in the room offered me a Gotobed Sunrise. I accepted gratefully and handed her the nutritious water melon Irma had given me earlier.

Rob beckoned me over to the brushed-steel and glass bar inside the bed, motioned me on to a Victorian bucking-bronco rocking horse, and asked me to remove all clothing in case of accidents. He then clambered back into bed. A furtive giggle came from what I had hitherto supposed to be a heap of clothing on the pillows. Then having made my apologies for my tardiness, I began the interview….

Izzy Ferrari February 1st 2016

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

New Year Resolutions 2016.

The townsfolk are gathered. Rob Gotobed emerges from his hole in the ground. Sees his shadow. There will be 12 more months of insane nonsense.

Ah, there's a lovely mist on the ground this morning and the smell of frost in the air. Hooray, winter's finally here and it’s now safe to remove my bikini.

This New Year's Eve, I had promised NOT to be the guy who lies in the road, crying and wearing a plastic Happy New Year tiara. …Wrong I‘m afraid!

This New Year's Eve, I had promised NOT to be the guy who gets walked home "Weekend at Bernie's" style at 9:15pm. ….Wrong again I‘m afraid!!

But now I am proud to reveal my 2016 New Year Resolutions…

I believe the trick with New Year resolutions is to aim low - thereby avoiding disappointment.

But is it just me or is there something about New Year’s day that makes dreaming of a fresh start just irresistible? - For me it is the traditional going-to-the-gym project.

With my current gym membership, I have worked out that I will get my money’s worth if I go at least twice a day for the next 75 years. - Note to self: Beware Exercise Addiction in 2016.

Therefore in conclusion if I am being utterly realistic, my New Year’s resolutions should be as follows…

1. Give up wanting to see dinosaurs in the wild.

2. Stop trying to invent a flying car - damn you Doc Brown!

3. Forget about ever doing the New York marathon dressed as Sonic The Hedgehog.

4. Stop trying to invent multi-wearable underpants.

5. Put on half a stone in weight.

6. Join an exclusive Wine Club. ….I've got my eye on a great one - they meet every morning at 9.30am in my local park.


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