Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Recording My New Comedy Album 2017

8.01 am
Driving down to Kraftwerk’s Kling Klang studio in Germany to do some recording for my new comedy album - it’s my favourite part of the world at this time of the year.

8.12 am
Just been pulled over by a German policeman. He wants to know why there are monkey paw prints on the roof of my car?  ……I genuinely have no idea!

8.13 am
Because of my frozen Botox face, my expression does not match my driver’s license photo and he wants to arrest me.

8.14 am
Thought for new tweet for Twitter: There’s nothing wrong with aging, unless you’re a cheese.

8.15 am
German Policeman tells me it is illegal to taxi around monkeys on the roofs of cars between EU countries.

8.17 am
I tell him I am not a taxi for monkeys and that I need to get home because I have to rehearse for next week’s cameo in Hawaii Five-O!

8.18 am
I tell him I’m playing “face down dead body without a chalk outline.” Where maid screams, wife calls lawyer, then 911!

8.19 am
Policeman says Hawaii Five-O is his favourite American TV series and will arrange for me to rehearse on floor of local German shopping Mall.

9.03 am
Arrived at mall, and I do some rehearsing. I lie on sidewalk, get into “dead guy” character, but it is quite hard to do without chalk outline.

10.35 am
Did not go well at mall. Passer-by said, "how's the stand-up goin', Rob?" Worried about next week’s performance on Hawaii Five-O…and Emmy hopes.

10.40 am
I’ll never forget that German Policeman’s face though - it looked like a sad face that someone had drawn onto their scrotum.

11.01 am
Anyway, one consolation I did get to meet a very sexy German girl.

So I said to her “Where have you been all my life?”
She replied, “Well, for half of it Rob, I wasn’t born!”

Be seeing you!
.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

An Important Message From Santa Claus!

Hi kids, here is an important message from Santa Claus. . . Please read the following carefully:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve North America on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract has been renegotiated by British Fairies and Elves. I will now serve only certain areas of England and now deliver no further north than The Cavern, Liverpool.

As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third American cousin, Santa Gotobed. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

                                            Santa Gotobed in a hurry last Christmas Eve.


Differences Between the Real Santa & Santa Gotobed:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Santa Gotobed. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: ‘These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson’.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Santa Gotobed prefers that children leave a jug of Jim Beam and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. Also Santa Gotobed likes to smoke a little weed, so please have a spliff handy.

3. Santa Gotobed’s sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying raccoons instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Santa Gotobed’s fireplace.

4. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Santa Gotobed’s elves respond, “I herd dat!” or “Wassup Gumpy?”

5. As required by Southern highway laws, Santa Gotobed’s sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the back of the sleigh as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.


                                 Last year's inappropriate gifts distributed by Santa Gotobed.

6. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit XV” featuring Tom Hanks as Santa Gotobed and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

7. Finally, Santa Gotobed does not wear a belt! If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put your presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours

Santa Claus
.

Monday, 28 November 2016

Rob Gotobed A Pre-Christmas Apology.

Over the past twelve months I have posted some inappropriate blogs and tweets to readers who I thought shared the same sense of humour..

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow..

If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Looking to 2017 and onward, I will only post blogs and tweets with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics.

Below is a picture of the Charles Bridge in Prague. It is the oldest bridge in Prague and took forty years to build. It was completed in 1404..
















Thursday, 27 October 2016

The Halloween Special October 2016

This year we are proud to present a Halloween Special entitled, ‘Stranger than truth - The curse of the Vampire Scrotums!’

Rob Gotobed says:

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is how far is it from my home and how late does it stay open?


How many of us have not, at one time or another, felt an ice-cold scrotum on the back of our head while we were home alone? (Not me, thank God, but some have - in fact, my girlfriend has many a time.)

But what is behind these experiences? Or in front of them, for that matter?

Also, after death is it still possible to take showers? And if so, do ghosts have ray-guns?

Fortunately, these questions about psychic phenomena are answered in my soon to be published book, ‘Boo To You!’ In which I have assembled a remarkable history of supernatural incidents such as the bizarre experience of two brothers on opposite parts of the globe, one of whom took a bath while the other suddenly got clean.


What follows is but a sampling…”

First up: The Nun’s Story….
 “Hello! I’m a genuine nun. I recently got more than I bargained for when I complained about the standard of food hygiene at my local Wal-Mart. Unfortunately for me, the Manager of the food department, a Mr Scrotum, is the nephew of the local Witchdoctor.

Mr Scrotum then asked his uncle to put an evil ‘scrotum’ on me, invoking the deadly brand of local voodoo known as ‘scrotumnoysis!!’ As a result of this evil curse, I suddenly began to take on many of the characteristics more often associated with trees, growing a strange bark around my body and growing branches and leaves out of my head. A visit to an ex-nun friend of mine, who also practices as a witchdoctor, failed to secure an antidote - but I am hopeful of shedding some leaves during the Fall.”

Next up John’s story…
“Hi!! My name is John. I recently got more than I bargained for when I stayed at the Rob Gotobed Hotel in London. I used one of the hotel’s disposable scrotums to go in the shower, but then suddenly, minutes later, I developed a terrible green rash,  - like the one you get from too much masturbation, - and now no-one likes to sit beside me on the bus. It’s not my fault! The green fungus is so bad it spreads onto chairs and carpets. Some of it even spread onto my cooker and got into my food”.

Also in the book, Rob Gotobed explains why he believes the spirit world is more advanced than ours by approximately fifteen minutes, and why ghosts ‘hovering’ may be a socially acceptable mode of relating in the spirit world.

As Rob says, ‘hovering’ may indeed be very pleasurable. I myself once hovered over an eighteen-year-old actress for six hours and had the best time of my life!! This has not affected me in anyway, although I can no longer converse with my girlfriend without the use of a hand puppet.”

*** This update was dictated by Gizmo the hand puppet.


Next week on ‘Stranger than Truth – When Book Shelves attack.’

PS: I was going to go as ‘The G Spot’ for tonight’s Halloween party but I can't find my costume.
Be seeing yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Friday, 7 October 2016

The Crazy Halloween Mortuary 2016 Joke!

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black and white suit.


The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black & white suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician her credit card and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, “There's no charge!”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma'am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing!

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black & white suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

'So…


 I just switched the heads!!'

                                       (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!) 



Be seeing You!
.

Monday, 12 September 2016

Dining Alone In A Fancy Restaurant.


Last week I was dining alone in a fancy restaurant, (the Alain Ducasse at The Dorchester if you want me to be specific!) and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. I admit I’d been checking her out since I sat down, but I just lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward me. I reflexively reach out, grab it out of the air, and hand it back to her.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

We then enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards we went to the theatre followed by drinks at a lovely West End cocktail bar.


We talked, we laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and I shared mine.

Then after paying for everything, she asks me if I would like to go with her to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast!


Well, I don’t mind admitting, it took me all of two nanoseconds to reluctantly agree to and we had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked me a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The whole experience was just amazing! Everything had been just SO incredible!!

‘You know,' I said, ‘you are the perfect woman!’ Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it……….




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?




She says :



'You just happened to catch my eye!!' 



DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IT! - Be seeing YOU!!

.

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Home Depot Sex Scam.


PLEASE BE WARNED!

Over the last month my girlfriend has become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into her local Home Depot for a bit of home improvement shopping has turned out to be quite an experience.


                                      Rob Gotobed’s girlfriend shopping at Home Depot.

- Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your girlfriend.



Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old males come over to your girlfriend’s car as she is packing her shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning her windscreen, their six-packs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When she thanks them and offers them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask her for a lift to another store, in her case, Kroger’s.


She agrees and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely NAKED!




Then, when your girlfriend pulls over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over her lap, kissing her, touching her intimately, and thrusting himself against her, while the other one steals her handbag.



My girlfriend has had her handbag stolen on May 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 25th!

On June 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, and twice this morning!

So please, PLEASE warn all the women you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

According to my girlfriend these guys seem to be particularly active just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon!

P.S. My girlfriend informs me that Walgreens have cheap handbags on sale for $14.99 each but Old Navy have some for $15.75 and they look better! – But I don’t understand why that’s relevant.